High-risk Groups Need Special ‘Avian Flu Health Insurance’


WASHINGTON – The current US health care crisis has deepened, with a new announcement that high-risk groups will need extra insurance (which might carry big deductibles) if they want coverage for avian flu.

The Republican Party is again on a collision course with the President on this matter. The White House believes that high-risk groups, such as Lame Ducks, should get full benefits from their health insurance providers, without having to buy extra coverage.

Republican incumbent Thelma Drake (herself at high risk) feels that George W, Bush has always supported the actuarial model of health insurance, where the individual’s risk determines how much he should pay. This is now the Republican Way, and the President must run with it.

Bush has always advocated Health Savings Accounts, which have assured the defeat of social health insurance. Now, as a Lame Duck, he seems determined to do a 180-degree flip on the actuarial insurance principle.

Democrats were quick to crow about the inconsistency of the White House position. Senator Robert Byrd (D), the senior Senator from West Virginia, joked with several White House staffers that he had already asked his Medicare “top-up” provider for a copy of the new policy.

Senator Byrd was then seen fleeing from the Senate, pursued by Vice-President Dick Cheney, who was armed with a sporting gun. Senator Pat Leahy reportedly heard Mr. Cheney shouting at his target, “Go duck yourself! Go duck yourself!”

The NRA commented that this was good hunting procedure, since Senator Byrd was apparently seen taking cover in accordance with these instructions. They added that next time, however, the Senator should also wear an orange vest.

Paul Hackett, Iraqi War veteran and ex-Democratic candidate for a Senate seat in Ohio, said all Democrats might need to pay the new health premium, because they are so easily conned by the Administration into behaving like bird-brained chickens.

Well-known Democratic politician Jim Stork issued a statement saying that the insurance corporations are merely vultures. Andrew Duck, Democratic contender for Maryland’s 6th District, agreed, as his insurer has quoted him an amount higher than the GNP of a small African nation, because of his exposure until the elections.

Lynn Swann, Republican candidate for Governor of Pennsylvania was unavailable for comment. LushForLife.com received a much-photocopied letter, which said that Mr. Swann’s position on the board of Heinz does not make him a flip-flopper, and that Heinz’ Chicken Broth is not hazardous to one’s health.

Ex-Vice President Dan Quayle was not available for comment. He has apparently been in hiding since February 11th.

If Bush refuses to pay the special premium, Karl Rove is thinking of ways in which a Lame Duck can get the State to foot the bill if he needs medical treatment.

Rove suggests that Bush can pass himself off as George Bush, Sr. (old enough for Medicare), as a retrenched Ford worker (poor enough for Medicaid), or as a veteran, using his much-photographed flight suit and a crutch.

If one of these strategies succeeds, he might actually get one “Mission Accomplished”.

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