I don’t have cable, thank God, but I still spend an exorbitant amount of time watching television. This is mainly due to an out of control drug problem, no friends, and a general hatred for the world outside. And what could better confirm that the planet is so deserving of your hard fought, blood pressure raising anger than a healthy dose of bunny-ear delivered, staticy daytime TV? In my recent channel-hopping, one disturbing recurring theme has been raising its ugly, over-made-up head all over my set top: The increasing amount of obviously drugged-up women hosts on TV shows of questionable quality – even by day-time broadcast standards. Let me give a few examples:
- Suze Orman – At first, this half-crazed financial advisor scared me. Her constant high-energy babble about how she actually cared about me and wanted me to get out of credit card debt was terrifying as I began to believe her threats about coming to my house and sorting out my life. But then, something changed deep within my being: Suze started to become attractive. Obviously coked up out of her mind, maybe she would come over and clean up my place, cut lines for me, and dance naked while singing about the SEC. The technique of picturing a penis in the mouth of a jabbering woman in a power suit has now become one of my favorite methods of removing any lingering fear or hatred I might have for any given XX-chromosome-carrying member of the species.
- Joyce Meyer – If there is such thing as a Doppler bitch effect, then it can be seen on CTN. The evangelical author and speaker based out of St. Louis is a staggering monument to people who hate Christians. Clearly a hallucinogenic drug user, Meyer actually believes the angry, paranoid, and delusional bullshit that spews from her mouth like five horrible brands of diarrhea spewing from the ruptured septic tank of her puny little mind. Next time I’m in St. Louis, I’m stopping over at her ministry for a little sodomy and slitting of that self-righteous slag.
- Martha Stewart – What hasn’t been said already about the queen of eating and etiquette? The obvious answer to that question is that Stewart is a meth-freak during the afternoons and probably smokes a lot of weed before her show to get her hands to stop shaking and picking at her genitalia. I don’t buy her act for a second. Back in prison, I’m sure she ran the place with an iron first and made more than one bitch her bitch. Her pipe is probably hand-painted, though.
All in all, I feel like these poor women need to stop trying to compete with men for the limelight by being so overbearing and obnoxious, or trying to substitute real emotions with drug-induced stupors. If they want to carry on with this self-destructive cycle of drug abuse and lies, then they are welcome to come over to my place. Stewart can cook and clean, Orman can suck my dick, and Meyer can be used as a pincushion and plaything for Martha. Otherwise, someone get them off my television.
