CIA Develops New Weapon In Chemical Warfare

WASHINGTON – A recent investigative report conducted by correspondents at CIA Headquarters in Washington, DC, has revealed plans the agency has put in motion to begin development on the most lethal chemical weapon the United States has ever produced, called PF.

PF, which stands for Perfected Feces, is the working name for the chemical weapon the Central Intelligence Agency is developing in conjunction with chemists at Georgetown University and experts in the scat pornography industry out of Amsterdam. The chemical weapon reportedly has a ninety-nine percent fatality rate once making physical contact with a person, and if transformed into gaseous form, has a one hundred percent effectiveness.

The weapon was discovered by a former CIA operative and current pornography filmmaker, who has remained anonymous, while working on a scat pornography film, where actors in the film consumed large amounts of feces while engaging in sexual activity. After the actors in the film passed the feces that was eaten, they consumed the fecal waste again, and continued the process throughout the film’s shooting schedule. By the sixth time the human body processed the fecal matter, all possible nutrients in the feces was absorbed, and the result was a lethal substance that was fatal if touched, consumed, or inhaled. After receiving samples from the film crew, chemists at Georgetown University are calling the feces “the world’s most dangerous known substance.”

“I’ve never seen such a substance that can both kill and disgust simultaneously as PF can,” Georgetown University professor Richard D. Bates, Jr. said. “We’re currently being funded by the federal government to continue to investigate and develop this deadly weapon.”

Plans for developing a multitude of PF has already been put in action by the federal government, and the project has been granted a generous budget of 300 million dollars by Congress last week.

“Our plan is to make so much of this stuff that we’ll be up to our ears in shit, literally,” Deputy CIA Director John McLaughlin said to correspondent Arthur Rocks. “Production has begun at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot in Parris Island, South Carolina. Once the research at Georgetown University is completed, we will begin a full-scale production of PF, and if all goes according to plan, we will have produced over a million gallons of eaten shit by 2007.”

Word out of Parris Island is that shit-eating has now become part of the Marine boot camp training process. On nights that recruits aren’t on watch, they are in the cafeteria eating each other’s feces in two-hour shifts. After eating the feces, recruits are monitored nightly and instructed to pass the eaten feces into airtight controlled containers, where the feces will be stored until that recruit’s next late-night, early-morning shit-eating session. Some recruits feel the treatment is unfair and disgusting, though that opinion is not shared by all.

“The first time was the worst,” Private First Class Peter Dempsey said to correspondent Porcious Crank, “but now that I’ve done it, I actually kind of like it.”

Dempsey added, “It goes to show you – the Marine Corps really helps you find yourself. They take you out of your comfort zone, break you down, and build you up into a monstrous shit-eating killing machine.”

Private Dempsey subsequently tacked on, “Look out, terrorists. We won’t only kill you; now we’ll chomp down on your shit and then shit it out all over your sand-nigger faces!”

I’m not sure if the Corps can continue to say “the proud.” One thing’s fairly certain: they truly are the few.



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