Are Dolphins As Smart As You Think?


MIAMI – A new study performed at the University of Miami has scientists flustered, leaving more questions about the intelligence quotient of dolphins than ever before. The crazed series of events took place in Leveringtonshire, a small suburb of the large Florida city.

Maxwell Singleton awoke one morning six months ago to find what he thought was a half-woman, half-fish concoction laying next to him in his bed. Singleton assumed that he had bedded a foxy mermaid after a successful night of clubbing the previous evening. Stranger things have happened to Singleton in the past, apparently, as he made no mention of the alleged mermaid to any of his friends or family. He promptly kicked the previous night’s conquest out into the street and proceeded to clean his scrotum, like he would any other morning.

He became aware that something was off, however, when five weeks later said mermaid arrived at his house with a Clear Blue Easy brand pregnancy test showing a blue strip, indicating pregnancy. After further investigation, Singleton realized that his woebegone mistress was none other than a bona fide, one hundred percent red-blooded dolphin. In a panic, he immediately called the authorities, who promptly laughed in his ear and put him on a terrorist watch list.

Not knowing where to turn, Singleton called his old wing-man, Dr. Eliot Green, of “the U”, to quickly come to his place and to “bring a god-damned marine biologist” with him. Dr. Green arrived a short while later, smelling of Mr. Boston Vodka and Lucky Strikes, with what Singleton assumed was a “lady of the evening” in twelve-dollar pumps and a tube top the color of a Venusian sunset. The tramp, however, was Dr. Evelyn Timmons, head of the marine biology department at the university.

Dr. Timmons had brought with her a revolutionary prototype interspecies translator (patent pending) to get the low-down on the sexy situation. She never before had the opportunity to use it on a dolphin, though, as, for some unknown reason, the head of the marine biology department had never actually heard of one before.

In a behind-doors interview, Dr. Timmons was able to learn very little, as the dolphin spoke fluent Portuguese, but very little English. She was able to ascertain that the dolphins name was Carmelita, that she was in Miami for Spring Break, and she was checked into a suite at the Radisson. Dr. Timmons asked Carmelita to please explain as much as she could about her own life in her native tongue so that, at the very least, scientists could one day learn from her ramblings.

After a six-hour session of weeping and babbling in Dolphinese, Dr. Timmons cranked on the interspecies translator and printed out 127 pages of Portuguese drivel. No one in the party spoke Portuguese, so… off to find someone to translate. Finding someone who speaks the language is a hard thing to find in a city consisting of 97 percent Cubans, 2 percent Puerto Ricans, and 1 percent divided between whites and blacks.

The search was a disaster, and they never found anyone locally who could speak the gobbledygook language. Dr. Timmons and Dr. Green applied for a grant to travel to Brazil to find someone who could translate the memoir. After fierce debates about the scientific purpose of their escapade, the university faculty finally caved and allowed the professors a grant of $17,000 for first-class tickets and coupons for the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet onboard the aircraft. They were able to raise another $1,500 in private donations to cover their bar expenses; while on a voyage of discovery, only margaritas made with cheap mix and expensive tequila will do.

Once in Brazil, they realized that their expedition was a waste, however, as Dr. Timmons had absent-mindedly left the original transcript on top of Mr. Singleton’s boudoir.

They spent another $435 in toll calls from their five-star hotel room, trying to get in touch with Singleton to have him fax the all-important document. He had already left the country, though, fearing the results of his upcoming paternity suit.

Dr. Timmons and Dr. Green were reluctantly checking out of their hotel when luck would smile upon them. Dr. Timmons received a collect call from her brother who had, quite coincidentally, burgled Mr. Singleton’s home and found Dr. Timmons original notes. Perplexed at why this information would be at this house, her brother called her in a panic, found out why it was there, and faxed the document the next day.

The pair of doctors awoke that following afternoon to find the faxed document slipped under their door, along with four Colodopins and a half-dozen Valium. They immediately ran into the hotel’s outside tiki bar and tried to persuade a drunken patron to translate their notes in exchange for a popular Brazilian concoction of beer and Clamato. He reluctantly agreed, but to no avail, as he only understood Brazilian Portuguese and not the romantic swine-talk that is Portuguese Portuguese.

The professors had met their fate, it seemed, and the project was doomed. They headed home in shame and began their drunken bender (again) on the flight home.

If luck had already smiled on them during this sojourn of truth, then Dr. Timmons was cleansing herself with unicorn blood and managing her monthly visits with napkins rolled in four-leafed clovers, as she “accidentally” switched her luggage with a suitcase containing a 14 karat gold-plated dildo, which they promptly put up on eBay and sold for just shy of $17,000, enough for a trip for two to Portugal.

This trip was much more successful, as they were fortunate enough to be seated next to a Portuguese man who translated brochures from English to Portuguese for a living. For an undisclosed fee, the man was kind enough to translate. As they had already booked the hotel, they went ahead with the rest of their voyage and learned a lot about themselves, love, life, the universe, the soul, and God. They discovered these answers to life’s mysteries, however, under the influence of LSD and promptly forgot all of it by the time they awoke two days later.

The translated notes did not get lost this time, and they were finally able to learn the secrets of the dolphins’ life while in the structured confines of a laboratory setting at the university.

The translated notes were now ready to be dissected in an accurate, scientific manner. In a press release, Tuesday, the professors released their long-awaited findings:

“The dolphin, it would appear, is a very stupid creature. The one we had the pleasure to interview has set the standard for which all dolphins are to be accounted against. Carmelita, our test-case, only rambled on and on about growing up in the ghetto, what it was like to grow up an only child, and how to squeeze the most money from a man as possible, using colloquialisms and anecdotes very reminiscent of a Chris Rock stand-up comedy special. Quotes of importance include:

  • ‘I didn’t know that I could get pregnant the first time.’
  • ‘When I heard that the Navy uses Seals, I became very sad.’
  • ‘I saw an orange longhaired monkey, and someone told me it was an ‘orangutan’ but I know that’s not what it is called. I still can’t remember, though.’
  • ‘When he told me he loved me, we slept together and I thought it would last forever.’
  • ‘How many thirds are there in a quarter?’

Based on these ridiculous quotes, we have determined that dolphins are an utterly stupid species, and that no further money should be wasted on continued research of these pointless aquatic mammals. We hope that university research departments will take this cue to cut off funding for these unnecessary studies and turn to more fruitful efforts, such as studying the effects of LSD, DMT, and other mind-altering drugs for general public use. Free your mind, and the rest will follow, but the dolphins will always be fucking stupid.”

Dr. Timmons and Dr. Green have both been nominated for a Nobel Prize in Physiology and Medicine, and are expecting their first child in June. Mr. Singleton was killed in a bizarre sex triangle mishap, and Carmelita was dissected for research, with the excess meat sent to Bumblebee Tuna for their exclusive line of “Not Dolphin-safe” Canned Tuna.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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