WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney admitted in a press conference, Tuesday, that when he “accidentally” shot his buddy, GOP Lawyer Harry Whittington, while hunting quail last week, he actually believed that he was playing Bungie’s Halo video game and lost track of reality.
Cheney admitted that Whittington, because he is tall and lanky, reminded him of a monster from the popular title called an Elite Hunter, and therefore Cheney, thinking he was Spartan Master Chief, was obligated to obliterate him.
Veep Cheney is an admitted video game nut, spending most of his free time mastering the nuances of the popular video game. He has an online account, where he claims to be a master of “Capture-the-Flag,” and reportedly uses the online handle MasterBeef.
When asked how he could possibly mistake his flesh-and-blood hunting partner for a seven-foot-tall pixilated monster, Cheney responded, “Go fuck yourself. Oh, well, being a member and advocate of the NRA, I endorse any idea, whether it be a video game or a rubber-band fight, that encourages and emulates the use of guns.
“I was asked to test Halo at a conference four years ago, and have been addicted ever since. Anyone who has played the game knows that… What’s that?!”
Cheney then ran out of the room, preventing the press from asking any further questions.
He was later grilled by guerrilla reporter Arthur Rocks, who asked of the VP why he was not in the least bit apologetic. Before being whisked away by a battalion of Secret Servicemen, Rocks heard Number Two exclaim: “Crazy fuckers everywhere! The covenant is trying to invade this planet, and I have to apologize for wiping one of the sick fuckers out? Go fuck yourself!”
In a knee-jerk reaction, Wal-Mart has pulled Halo off of the shelves, citing as a reason, “It is obvious that this game is a bad influence, even on adult individuals of great intellect. We will still, however, sell our wonderful selection of sporting shotguns, as this incident is only further proof that guns don’t kill people; media does.”
