Yes, Virginia, There Is A Danger In Violent Video Games

WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney admitted in a press conference, Tuesday, that when he “accidentally” shot his buddy, GOP Lawyer Harry Whittington, while hunting quail last week, he actually believed that he was playing Bungie’s Halo video game and lost track of reality.

 

Cheney admitted that Whittington, because he is tall and lanky, reminded him of a monster from the popular title called an Elite Hunter, and therefore Cheney, thinking he was Spartan Master Chief, was obligated to obliterate him.

 

Veep Cheney is an admitted video game nut, spending most of his free time mastering the nuances of the popular video game. He has an online account, where he claims to be a master of “Capture-the-Flag,” and reportedly uses the online handle MasterBeef.

 

When asked how he could possibly mistake his flesh-and-blood hunting partner for a seven-foot-tall pixilated monster, Cheney responded, “Go fuck yourself. Oh, well, being a member and advocate of the NRA, I endorse any idea, whether it be a video game or a rubber-band fight, that encourages and emulates the use of guns.

 

“I was asked to test Halo at a conference four years ago, and have been addicted ever since. Anyone who has played the game knows that… What’s that?!”

 

Cheney then ran out of the room, preventing the press from asking any further questions.

 

He was later grilled by guerrilla reporter Arthur Rocks, who asked of the VP why he was not in the least bit apologetic. Before being whisked away by a battalion of Secret Servicemen, Rocks heard Number Two exclaim: “Crazy fuckers everywhere! The covenant is trying to invade this planet, and I have to apologize for wiping one of the sick fuckers out? Go fuck yourself!”

 

In a knee-jerk reaction, Wal-Mart has pulled Halo off of the shelves, citing as a reason, “It is obvious that this game is a bad influence, even on adult individuals of great intellect. We will still, however, sell our wonderful selection of sporting shotguns, as this incident is only further proof that guns don’t kill people; media does.”

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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