Two Double-ought Six: Year Of The Fag

HOLLYQUEERWOOD – Hollywood has once again attempted to stab an AIDS-infected knife through the heart of middle-America, what with its promotion, glorification, and recognition of the most despicable type of human this side of a leper: GAYS!

 

As we roll into Awards Season to celebrate the best of the best in entertainment of 2005, all the biggest attention-getters are based on homos and lesbos and chocolate-train riding cowboys and transsexual he/shes.

 

Brokeback Mountain, apparently (I won’t watch that queer shit), is about two gay cowboys getting their groove on near some mountain that a bunch of other fag cowboys get their shit packed by, I guess. Shoe-in for an Oscar, obviously.

 

Capote, of course, is about the late, great American author Truman Capote. He’s the guy who wrote Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which could only be gayer if Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli, groping each other in the alley behind Tiffany’s, replaced the main stars. There’s also a gay band that does a gay song about that gay shit. Phillip Seymour-Hoffman, who, interestingly enough, played a pole-smoker in Boogie Nights, plays Capote. I’m surprised he hasn’t garnished an Academy Award already.

 

And if those weren’t disturbing enough for us conservatives here in the Bible Belt, there’s TransAmerica. It’s about a dude who pays a Jew doctor to lob his dick off so he can be a woman. Curiouser and curiouser.

 

When the Awards come in March, the proverbial “Pink Carpet” will be rolled out, glorifying all that fagdom has to offer. Watch out for yours kids, folks, because there will be more gay than you can shake a stick at. Rumor has it that Tom Cruise and John Travolta will stroll into the Kodak theater holding hands; a victory for both Gay and Scientology.

 

Jake Gyllenhaal, nominated for his role as aforementioned Gay in Brokeback Mountain will be appearing in assless chaps with his costar, Heath Ledger, riding him like a horse.

 

Hollywood may have finally gone too far. It’s one thing to be guaranteed an Oscar for playing a retard or playing an ugly bitch when you’re really a hot chica (re: Charlize Theron in Monster… Wait, another LESBIAN), but just handing out awards for being a lispy, light-in-the-loafers waif knob-slobber is downright, well, gay.

 

If my children turn out to be Catchers and Boxed-lunch Eaters, I will sue Steven Spielberg, the President of Hollywood, for all of the suffering I will have to do in Hell as result of Hollywood’s sick vendetta to destroy America from the inside out. It’s a game of gay-switch that’s been going on for too long under the covers, but now it’s “out”, and it’s gay as shit. When faggy cowboys start spreading the AIDS from ass to ass on Front Street for all to see, it’s a sick, sad day.

 

Write the President. Call the Pope. Eat your spinach. Don’t turn Gay.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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