Sports Writers Give Thanks To Boneheaded Athletes

LOS ANGELES – A group of well-established and well-known sports journalists have formed a coalition designed to honor a selected group of the most talked about athletes of the year, in the form of massively scaled, citywide parades.

The newly-formed group, the Writers Appreciation Concerning Knucklehead Oddballs, have released the names of the athletes who have been chosen this year: Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams, San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens, and Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest.

The newly formed coalition is comprised of over fifty sports writers and broadcasters who write and report on both a local and national level. Among the members on WACKO: NFL Network anchor Rich Eisen, ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, Denver Post staff writer Woody Paige, talk radio personality Jim Rome, and this journalist. Fittingly, the head of WACKO, Woody Paige, said to on-site correspondent Porcious Crank in a one-on-one interview:

“The guys we’ve selected meet all of the criteria we require,” Paige said. “You’ve gotta be a spectacle, an embarrassment to yourself, and your team, and a constant topic in sports media. These idiots are at the top of the list.”

WACKO plans on holding citywide parades in the various athletes’ team’s city, with grand floats, live music, and celebrity appearances. The parades are expected to rival the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Mardis Gras Parade in size and spectacle.

Certain details of the different celebrations have been leaked. The Barry Bonds parade, which is called “Juiced Up,” will be held the day before the opening day of baseball season through the streets of downtown San Francisco. It will contain a one-hundred-foot float bearing the slugger’s likeness, and spectators will have the opportunity to throw syringes and handfuls of “the cream” at the float.

Along with the support of sports agent Drew Rosenhaus, the Terrell Owens parade promises to be the grandest of the celebrations held by WACKO. Promotion for the “The T.O. Show” parade includes the distribution of 16 x 24 inch posters of Owens, as well as bumper stickers showing an animated Owens knocking out former teammate Donovan McNabb in a boxing ring, to every residence in the greater Philadelphia area. With the turnout for the Owens parade expected to exceed 250,000, WACKO is contemplating making Owens an annual recipient of the distinguished honor.

“Terrell has shown a track record of always making news,” Rich Eisen said, “There’s no reason to think he’ll ever shut-up. For that we’re thankful, and we’re prepared to show it on a yearly basis. Whatever team he plays for, or whatever team he is speculated to play for, WACKO and Drew Rosenhaus will work together to give those cities a T.O. Extravaganza.”

Every year WACKO will also announce a Lifetime Achievement Award, giving thanks to a nominee who has stood the test of time and has always been a hot topic in sports discussion. The 2006 winner appears to be former baseball player and gambling degenerate Pete Rose, according to Eisen.

“The writers won’t put him in the Hall of Fame,” he said, “so we here at WACKO will do all we can to let Pete know we’re grateful for his stupidity.”

As stupid as these athletes can be, the sports writers of America will prefer to honor them, rather than the alternative – like covering curling, soccer, or the WNBA. Hopefully the stupidity will continue reign so all of us sports writers can keep producing top-notch journalism.



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