New Bill To Stem Distraction

LYNCHBURG, VA – The release of a new Lynchburg Police Department study that examined the effects of distractions on traffic accidents has created quite a stir in the small, conservative town. The study, which was conducted over five months and cost 3.2 million dollars, found that 17% of traffic accidents occurred due to men ogling attractive women jogging and 12% of accidents were caused by people distracted by their GPS navigation systems. The shocking results have caused the town council to set into action an ordinance that would put an end to these dangerous distractions.

 

Supreme Ruler and Overlord of Lynchburg, Jerry Falwell, said in a press conference yesterday, “These modern times are helping bring about the downfall of our great society. Not only are these painted Jezebels destroying the lives of good, honest, God-fearing men, but these GPS systems are only navigating people to Hell. The rampant indulgence in technology is turning people away from God and into traffic lights and hedges.”

 

Randolph-Macon Women’s College, located in Lynchburg, has come under fire from Falwell and other completely sane Christians, as their cross-country team has been implicated in many of the collisions examined by the study. Kathleen Bowman, President of the college, appeared to lose her mind Tuesday when she ranted: “Falwell is a fat, obnoxious pig who thrives on degrading women, and probably doesn’t even know what GPS is! If that asshole could have his way, we would all be living in the dark ages, with women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen! He had the nerve once to tell me that I was doing ‘good works’ by teaching those ‘young women how a home should be run’ – we’re a god damn top 100 ranked college, not a fucking finishing school!”

 

The new ordinance will outright ban the use of GPS navigation, in-car televisions, and even some of the newer MP3 car audio systems with those cool visuals, like digital dolphins dancing to the music. The law will also create a rating system for women under the age of 30, where all Lynchburg women will have to register for a “hotness” card. The card will contain the woman’s picture and details as well as a rating of their looks and body out of 10. This radical new system will allow women under the “hotness” of 7 to jog freely down the streets, as long as they wear full track suits and don’t wear make up. Women who score 7 and over will have to wear full burqas if they wish to exercise outside of designated zones, such as Curves Fitness Clubs, Bed, Bath, and Beyond aisles, and kindergarten parking lots. Another rating system for women over the age of 30 will also be implemented, but will only have the designation “MILF” on the card if the women are to be restricted.

Comments

comments

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]