TOKYO – Shocking photos were leaked today to LushForLife.com headquarters of giant, missile-armed Mech-Warriors, which appeared to be fully functional. The Japanese, who for years have been suspected of having a Mech-Warrior program, seem to have finally done it. North Korea, watch out.
The photographs, which were leaked to LushforLife.com by Tatsuo Nakamura, who asked to remain anonymous, are simply amazing. They depict huge, metal, robotic exoskeletons armed with machine guns, swords, and non-nuclear ICBMs, all in magnificent color, with a careful attention to composition and beautiful Quantaray Crystal Collection frames. Analysts are not surprised. “The Japanese are known to be great photographers,” said senior Asian analyst Arthur Rocks, “It’s the national hobby over there.” When asked about the news of the Mech-Warriors, Rocks (who has become more and more unstable as of late) simply rumbled, “Haven’t you people seen Gundam?” and walked away.
Though many critics of Japan have said that this new movement towards BattleTechery may slow down the highly anticipated numbers of Nikon D200s, others feel that it’s high time the Japanese start standing up for themselves. Not since the 1960 Treaty of Mutual Cooperation and Security with the United States has the basis of the poorly trained, small-penised Japanese Military undergone such a change. For years, the Japanese have pleaded to the West to help stave off North Korean missile lobs, but Japan, for all its nifty technology and American self-esteem raising penises, have still not been able to entice American support. The government even tried to import a few oil reserves to lure the American Government into helping. Still, no help has come. So the Japanese have had to turn to the only option left to them: fully armed, 60-foot tall J-Mechs.
A statement issued today from the Department of Homeland Security asked people not to panic, and went on to state: “Although the Japanese may now have larger weapons than we do, we are still assured by our top military scientists that the average American man still has a penis two inches larger than the average Jap.”
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