Increase Your Metabolism Fast!

Everyone has that one friend who can eat an entire bowl of chocolate ice cream without ever gaining a pound. Why is it that they never gain weight no matter what they eat while you sit back and watch every calorie you consume go straight to you hips, butt, thighs, and stomach? The answer is… they have a fast metabolism! Now, we all know that exercising and eating right can boost our metabolic rate, but if you’re like the majority of people, you probably hate moving a muscle and love to eat fatty foods, like fried cheese on a stick. In this article I will give you three easy solutions to weight loss that don’t require any exercise or dieting.

Smoke, Smoke, Smoke: Smoking is a great way to increase your metabolism! One cigarette has enough harmful toxins and chemicals in it to get your heart pumping in no time at all. For optimal results, doctors suggest smoking from twenty to forty cigarettes a day. At this pace you could easily drop up to five pounds in as little as a week. Also, smoking will curb your appetite!

Get Wired: Methamphetamines are another great way to speed things up, no pun intended! Drugs like “speed” and “crystal meth” will not only give you a great buzz and help you focus, but they’ll also burn calories and fat at an incredible pace by increasing your heart rate for hours on end. If illicit drugs aren’t your thing, I suggest getting a prescription for Ritalin or Adderall by faking Attention Deficit Disorder. One 15mg tablet of Ritalin or Adderall has enough “uppers” in it to keep your heart beating fast all day long, making you burn more calories while you eat, sleep, and breathe.

Ride the White Pony: Do you want that lean, thin, rockstar body? Then do it like a pro! Snort cocaine day in and day out. Cocaine is a fun and easy way to loose weight fast! It will speed up your heart rate, suppress your appetite, and give you more energy than a bull on steroids!

So, if you’re really serious about losing weight, pick up any of these three easy habits, and watch the pounds melt away.



3 Responses to “Increase Your Metabolism Fast!” Subscribe

  1. UR DUMB November 1, 2007 at 2:58 pm #


  2. FredrickBobcat January 11, 2008 at 9:12 pm #

    This is funny you should incorporate more stuff about cocaine and how it helps people just shed pounds in no time.

  3. Kakkoii February 12, 2008 at 7:14 pm #

    While I realize this is a fake story… I bet a lot of people are going to stumble upon this wanting to loose wait and actually try one of those options LOL.

    The one about Ritalin and Adderall isn’t actually that bad of an idea. It’s not different then going to your doctor and getting a prescription thats actually for weight loss. Because Weight Loss drugs aren’t very different from ADHD drugs.

    Weight Loss prescriptions usually contain Ephedrine &/OR Pseudophedrine which are a form of amphetamine and mood enhancer. Ritaline is very close to be cocaine. And Adderall & Dexedrine are PURE Amphetamines. And there generally prescribed to young teens for attention disorders. So if there alright for teens. I’m sure there alright for adults.

    I currently take 15mg Extended Dexedrine as prescribed for my actual Real ADD. Not for weight loss.
    But it does help a lot with loosing pounds and staying in shape. Even in those lazy winter months :)

    And coming from a long time user. They are not addicting at all. Sometimes I don’t even feel like taking them. I’ve even gone weeks with just being like.. Meh I don’t really care. Lol. So people worried about addiction don’t need to worry. There not physically addicting.

    (But on the note of Option 1: Smoking. DON’T DO IT!. Put any kind of Burnt material in your lungs is VERY HARMFULL. Why do you think firefighters where fucking gas masks. If your a smoker, Or want to smoke. BUY A PORTABLE VAPORIZER. You can get pocket sized vaporizers. That vaporize anything you put in them, Instead of burning them. Vaporizing is WAY healthier then smoking. Go look it up.)

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]