Einstein (In)Sanity International Awards

MUNICH – The 2006 International Einstein Awards were presented last night at a glittering ceremony attended by celebrities from around the globe. The awards honor the definition of insanity attributed to Einstein: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and are partly sponsored by Alcoholics Anonymous who uses this definition.

 

Sane countries by Einstein’s definition:

 

Gold Medal: the Palestinians

 

“Throwing out Fattah and putting Hammas in charge is like putting the kids in the master bedroom, with maxed-out credit cards and responsibility for the family. Special points for the entertainment value of the kids hyperventilating about having to wake up before midday, and face reality, instead of playing with their friends in the streets.”

 

 

Silver Medal: the South Africans

 

“The change from racism to exorcising their dark past in a nation-wide day-time psychotherapy program, showcasing victims and aggressors was the ultimate reality TV. Putting a Nobel Peace Prize winner in charge of it was brilliance. Extra points for legalizing gay marriage in Africa.”

 

 

Bronze Medal (Tie): the Americans

 

“Placing Texans in charge of Washington, and letting them do things their way, irrespective of whether it works or not. Extra marks for re-electing them (well, sort of) and thus helping the rest of the world laugh, and feel superior when, deep down, they worry that Americans might really have bigger penises than them.”

 

Bronze Medal (Tie): the Canadians

 

“Electing a Conservative government. This is a radial change from their perspective, but points were deducted because the world doesn’t care. In fact, the world hardly notices. They’re Canucks, for God’s sake.”

 

Insane countries:

 

The Judging Panel announced, as a preamble, “the French are not insane. They do the same thing over and over because they want the same result. They love being French. Bill O’Reilly is just jealous.”

 

Gold Medal: the Zimbabweans

 

“For bitching about how the Brits and whiteys did you wrong, loading up on tyranny and corruption and then wondering why your people are starving. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. Dig more graves. You’re crazy.”

 

Silver: Northern Ireland

 

“You insist on marching through people’s neighborhoods every year to rub their noses in some past humiliation. You whine that past enmities are never forgotten. You complain when every stupid drunk person in a joke is called Paddy. Go do it again next year. You suck.”

 

Bronze Medal (Tie): Syria

 

“You lie, cheat and scheme as a first option. You blow up politicians as Plan A and designate economic development and political progress as Plan B. When Plan A does not work, you try Plan A again. And again. Oh, your geometry teacher was wrong – the best way to cover the distance between two points is by the most convoluted route possible. Keep trying. Hire that Karl guy from Washington to help you. Maybe one day the outcome will be different. Idiots!”

 

Bronze Medal (Tie): America, land of the “if a strategy doesn’t work, it’s time to intensify it” where you…

 

 

 

  • Eat more, spend more on diet pills, watch more TV and get fatter.
  • Get 19 credit cards. Buy more stuff you don’t need. Complain about your debt.
  • Don’t participate in your kids’ education. Blame teachers for kids’ skills problems and bad manners. Ask why fewer people want to become teachers.
  • Ignore history. Invade a country when history makes it clear that it is not in your country’s interests to do this. Tell your kids that people rode around on dinosaurs and that Christians in other countries believe this too.
  • Re-elect Ted Kennedy and John Kerry and their ilk to the Senate. Look bewildered when people ask what is wrong with the Democratic Party.
  • Whine about lobbyists, corruption, special interests and campaign finance vs. national interests. Then buy an SUV and re-elect a self-serving insider who sold his soul to the devil years ago and who hasn’t improved health care, social services, education, the environment, or the economy in all the years you have been voting for him.

 

 

 

“Come on America. Rinse, repeat. Dig more graves. Do it again next year. Maybe one day the outcome will be different.”

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