ATLANTA – As the dust settles on the Coretta Scott King six-hour-long funeral extravaganza, new and unsettling information is rising like a dysentery-infected phoenix… with a limp. The woman behind the fabled chicken-mayonnaise sandwiches that the late, great Dr. Martin Luther King so loved, finally prepared her last partly split round-roll containing a filling of love on Monday, January 6th. Though many loved and respected the ancient adequationist, some have been so bold as to call her a phony and a goat molester, and while the calls of “fake!” are now heating up, the goat charges, though long standing, have never been proven.
Edgar Ray Killen, a respected member of the KKK and resident of Jasper County Prison, was the first to come out and say what many influential racists were thinking, but were too afraid to say: “Tha’ ol’ gal probably one o’ dem 30 percenters,” referring to a recent DNA study conducted by the PBS documentary show African American Lives, which concluded that approximately 30% of African-Americans living in the United States are genetically closer to white Europeans than they are to African-Americans of African descent. The resulting uproar over how much of the tar brush Coretta King got is now tearing many in the civil rights movement apart. President Bush, Jr., another noted bigot, would not comment on the possibility of Mrs. King being white, mainly because Vice President Chaney blew a dart into his neck as he began to answer the question with no TelePrompTer.
Of the five US presidents, still living, unfortunately or not, Gerald Ford was the only one not in attendance. Ford, the only president of the United States not to be elected by the people, was a crusader for civil rights, being a student of the renowned humanitarian Richard Nixon. Ford’s absence was excused from attending the congregation by a letter from his mother, who mysteriously could not be reached for comment, but the notion that a man in the prime of his life being too ill to attend such an event is preposterous. Hollywood insiders claim that Ford has bought in to the idea that Coretta, and possibly even the late Dr. King, were whites, masquerading as Negroes to rile up the unwashed black masses in order to piss off Republicans. Close personal friend and Hollywood super-celebrity, Andy Dick, told LushforLife.com reporter Arthur Rocks, “Gerald feels betrayed. He did a lot of really neat things for those people, and now he feels like a dip-shit for being duped by a bunch of lying whiteys.”
