Bible Sets Record For World’s Longest Running Chain Letter

LONDON – The Guinness Book of World Records announced, today, that the Bible (both Old and New Testament) will be included in their 2006 edition for holding the record as the world’s longest running chain letter. The Bible, which has existed for over two thousand years, has been classified by the Guinness Book of World Records as a “chain letter” due to the fact that its message is very clear: “If you spread the word of God, you will go to Heaven. However, if you do not spread the word of God, you will burn in Hell,” says Editor David Goldstein.

 

The Catholic Church immediately spoke out against this, stating: “The Bible is not a chain letter. We feel that this is an utter tragedy and one of the worst instances of blasphemy that has ever occurred. To reduce the book of God down to nothing more than a chain letter is a complete mockery of God, Jesus Christ, and the entire Christian faith.” The Catholic Church, being the zealous, money-hungry institute that it is, has also threatened to sue Guinness for all of the revenue they will generate from the sale of “The Guinness Book of World Records, 2006 Edition,” if Guinness publishes the book without removing the Bible from its list of records. However, the Catholic Church did offer to only take half of the book’s revenues if they would consider including the Bible as holding the record for world’s greatest book.

 

Goldstein defended Guinness’ decision to include the Bible as the worlds longest running chain letter by simply stating, “Let’s look at the facts!” He then went on to make his case: “The intent of the Bible from day one has been to spread itself and spread the word of God, much like a chain letter. The Bible can be found in any library, hotel, or prison. The Bible clearly threatens punishment (i.e., Hell) if you do not share it and pass it along to others. It also clearly offers reward (i.e., Heaven) if you do pass it along. These are very obvious signs of a chain letter.” Goldstein then went on to say that the Guinness’ still has full intensions of publishing their 2006 edition with the Bible included as the worlds longest running chain letter, and that they will see the Catholic Church in court.

 

Jesus Christ also had a few words to say about this issue. While vacationing in Florida, he spoke with one of our reporters and said, “Ya’ll niggas be crazy. This shit whack as fuck. One-love, peace!”

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