BET Racist As Shit

ATLANTA – I settled myself in for a nice dose of an In Living Color marathon on Friday night on the fine Black Entertainment Television network. Boy, that James Carey is a swell comedian, and so’s that other white chick. Which is why, obviously, the entire cast was populated by people who looked like me by the fourth season.

Now, being a lower-upper-middle-class white prick like I is, I had not watched a whole heck of a lot of the fine BET station out of Hotlanta. Before I saw it, I figured that dem blacks liked themselves and had a bit of the old pride in the badunkadunk for they own. Boy, was I wrong, Massa!

Now, I isn’t talkin’ ‘bout dem fine In Living Color folks, now. I be talkin’ ‘bout dem commercials dey show ‘tween the shows. It looks like dem blacks treat demselves just like dem KKK boys outta Valrico does. Dey got dis whole big stereotypin’ of they own dat’s enough to make ol’ Reverend King roll over in his big fancy grave.

Now, I be watchin’ a ad for dat detergent called “Tide”. I done seen some o’ dem “Tide” commercials ‘tween my good ol’ Soaps on the big ol’ boob tube. Dey be sellin’ me dat cleany by tellin’ me how dey uses chemicals an’ stuff to make it work, appealin’ to my intellectual side. Now, on dat BET, dey be usin’ nothin’ but Gospel singers an’ tell you how you be getting’ dat soulful song for free offa da’ Internet.

An’ den a ad for dat new Julianne Moore movie done come on, and dey be advertisin’ like it be just another good ol’ fashioned Samuel L. Jackson cussin’ festival. Dat appeals to dem blacks, so’s I hear.

I ‘spec’ dat dey BET be runned by a buncha old-timey white men, be settin’ up der in dem’s big ol’ plantation houses, poisonin’ da black man wit’ tons o’ propaganda an’ be getting’ dem to prejudice against da white folk so da white folk still ain’t be likin’ dem black men and den dat propagates more racism against da black man and den nobody wins.

It’s just like dem old white men in da CIA who be droppin’ off dem drugs in da black neighborhoods an’ de gun sto’ an’ da liquor sto’ on every corner.

So, I be callin’ to you black folk: turn off dat TV and don’t be listenin’ to dem white folk tellin’ you how to be black folk. Be you own damn self and de world will done be a much better place for all de men, be dey white, black, or green as an olden turnip green done been cleaned by yo’ granny.

(Editor’s note: Preserved in the most racist of dialects for shock value, stupid!)

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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