Bad Hair Day Leaves Teen Dead

FT. PIERCE, FL – Another tragic death of a local 15-year-old teen has been attributed to a new hairstyle that has become prominent in the emo/hardcore/gay community. The haircut features long bangs that all but completely block the vision in the left or right eye.

“Kids don’t realize that depth perception is regarded in society as being much more important than having a slightly tilted version of a homosexual 80s haircut,” says Dr. Pepper, M.D., from the Center of Stupidity Control. “We have encountered some fairly stupid fads in the past, but sacrificing 50% of one of your five senses to look like a douchebag is definitely something new”.

The teen who recently passed away was killed when he was attempting to take a picture of himself for his “MySpace”, a popular website that promotes homosexuality, cross-dressing, and general stupidity among youths.

With his depth perception hindered, the teen failed to realize that the camera was one and a half inches from his face. The resulting flash caused the teen to be temporarily blinded, which lead him to kill himself because everything didn’t go exactly his way.

His parents were less than pleased. “If we’d have known that letting him look like an effeminate heroin addict would’ve killed him, we would’ve never bought him that eye liner!” said the teen’s mother.

This is the fourth death attributed to the hairstyle.

“Depth perception is not something you should take lightly,” says Dr. Pepper, M.D. “I treated a teen last weekend who wandered in front of a bus because he was simply using one eye to navigate! The parents need to get involved!”.

Some teens still seem to think it’s a game.

“It’s just our way of not conforming, man… We just don’t want to have normal haircuts like everyone else,” says Raven Dinglehouse from Ft. Pierce, FL. “We’d just rather strictly copy a few million dirty-looking people than have a hair cut that loosely resembles the rest of the world.”

This comment was profound enough to cause our correspondent’s head to explode.

Even Elton John has chimed in with his concerns. “This new fad is gayer than two gay guys having sex with three gay guys,” says the accomplished performer.

This reporter could not agree more.

While it has been known that teens will certainly risk life and limb for the approval of their peers, never in history have they been also willing to risk dignity, sexual identity, and a bad dye job all at the same time.

Boner Jones is a guest writer. If you would like to submit a story to, please click here.




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