A Letter To Laura

Dear Mrs. Bush,

 

I am writing to you because I have been thinking, ever since your husband’s State of the Union speech, that he needs your help. My husband always used to listen to me, like President Reagan listened to Nancy, God rest their souls.

 

There was a telethon on television called South Pork. It had Jesus as a co-host raising funds for a bridge to nowhere, where there are oils in the wilderness. I think with Daniel and some lions or liars. My ears are not what they used to be, but I know blasphemy when I hear it. Daniel had a ‘gay’ son. I do not think this kind of thing should be allowed.

 

This gay marriage thing: where will it end? First, they marry men, and then what? I worry that my grandson will come home one day with a goat. What if it is a boy goat, or black, or Muslim? What if it has a whole lot of credit card debt? I have left him money in my will, and I do not want it going to pay off some black goat’s debts. Or going to those Muslims.

 

(Although my friend Winifred says that will never happen, because he always liked cartoons, and they don’t like them, or beer, and all his friends drink Miller Lite.)

 

Although I have some money, I will not be able to leave him very much. Can you ask Mr. Bush when these Social Security savings accounts will start working? I know we have a Senate and Supreme House majority and I would like this savings account very much. I heard that each baby born now will owe $153,000, but the foreigners will pay it in the meantime. Is that how much I will get?

 

Someone from the AARP said all babies will owe this, but my friend Winifred explained that only lazy babies will owe it; not our babies. Only the ones whose fathers run off and whose mothers do not want to work. She says this Robert Alito will make them pay for their mothers being Rode all the Way.

 

Also, although I don’t usually watch that libertarian CNN, I saw Lee Dobbs talking about American jobs and I had to agree with him. Those people (you know the ones I mean) are taking our children’s jobs. My granddaughter intends to be a model, and my grandson wants to be an English professor at an Ivy League university. The Atkins diet does not help my poor little Candyce, and my grandson showed me how difficult his Composition Two assignments are. They do not need all those people coming in here through the desserts [sic], and making it harder for them.

 

Thank you for reading this. I am sure you can straighten your husband out on these matters, because Winifred says you are the perfect wife.


May God Bless America!

 

Mrs. Myrtle Tillinghast

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