Feb 21st, 2006
LYNCHBURG, VA – The release of a new Lynchburg Police Department study that examined the effects of distractions on traffic accidents has created quite a stir in the small, conservative town. The study, which was conducted over five months and cost 3.2 million dollars, found that 17% of traffic accidents occurred due to men ogling [...]
WASHINGTON – The GOP showed its true colors, Monday, when it voted to outlaw guns in a shocking repeal of the 4th Amendment. To liberal-minded freethinkers, it at first seemed a true breathe of fresh air and victory, as the Republican Party accepted its first lost round in a long, long boxing match. Democrats everywhere [...]
FT. PIERCE, FL – Another tragic death of a local 15-year-old teen has been attributed to a new hairstyle that has become prominent in the emo/hardcore/gay community. The haircut features long bangs that all but completely block the vision in the left or right eye.
LOS ANGELES – A group of well-established and well-known sports journalists have formed a coalition designed to honor a selected group of the most talked about athletes of the year, in the form of massively scaled, citywide parades.
Feb 15th, 2006
Dear Mrs. Bush,
I am writing to you because I have been thinking, ever since your husband’s State of the Union speech, that he needs your help. My husband always used to listen to me, like President Reagan listened to Nancy, God rest their souls.
TORINO, ITALY – As the Winter Olympic games kick off, many bored civil rights activists have found something to complain about: the obvious lack of black biathlonists and other competitors of color who made the US Winter Olympic team. In fact, after searching the US Olympics Team website (http://www.usolympicteam.com/21.htm), Jessie Jackson was only able to [...]
PRINCETON, NJ – A daily wire report received at LushForLife.com headquarters, yesterday, indicated that a diabetic patient at Princeton Teaching Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey, died from a diabetic stroke, apparently induced from over-consumption of the common food additive high fructose corn syrup.
LONDON – The Guinness Book of World Records announced, today, that the Bible (both Old and New Testament) will be included in their 2006 edition for holding the record as the world’s longest running chain letter. The Bible, which has existed for over two thousand years, has been classified by the Guinness Book of World [...]
WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney admitted in a press conference, Tuesday, that when he “accidentally” shot his buddy, GOP Lawyer Harry Whittington, while hunting quail last week, he actually believed that he was playing Bungie’s Halo video game and lost track of reality.
MUNICH – The 2006 International Einstein Awards were presented last night at a glittering ceremony attended by celebrities from around the globe. The awards honor the definition of insanity attributed to Einstein: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and are partly sponsored by Alcoholics Anonymous who uses this definition.