LYNCHBURG, VA – The release of a new Lynchburg Police Department study that examined the effects of distractions on traffic accidents has created quite a stir in the small, conservative town. The study, which was conducted over five months and cost 3.2 million dollars, found that 17% of traffic accidents occurred due to men ogling attractive women jogging and 12% of accidents were caused by people distracted by their GPS navigation systems. The shocking results have caused the town council to set into action an ordinance that would put an end to these dangerous distractions. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – The GOP showed its true colors, Monday, when it voted to outlaw guns in a shocking repeal of the 4^th Amendment. To liberal-minded freethinkers, it at first seemed a true breathe of fresh air and victory, as the Republican Party accepted its first lost round in a long, long boxing match. Democrats everywhere felt their first feeling of joy, happiness, and even a tinge of exuberance. That is, until the truth reared its ugly, acned, scabbed, pockmarked face. Continue Reading

FT. PIERCE, FL – Another tragic death of a local 15-year-old teen has been attributed to a new hairstyle that has become prominent in the emo/hardcore/gay community. The haircut features long bangs that all but completely block the vision in the left or right eye. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES – A group of well-established and well-known sports journalists have formed a coalition designed to honor a selected group of the most talked about athletes of the year, in the form of massively scaled, citywide parades. Continue Reading

Dear Mrs. Bush,

I am writing to you because I have been thinking, ever since your husband’s State of the Union speech, that he needs your help. My husband always used to listen to me, like President Reagan listened to Nancy, God rest their souls. Continue Reading

TORINO, ITALY – As the Winter Olympic games kick off, many bored civil rights activists have found something to complain about: the obvious lack of black biathlonists and other competitors of color who made the US Winter Olympic team. In fact, after searching the US Olympics Team website (http://www.usolympicteam.com/21.htm), Jessie Jackson was only able to find one African-American competitor, Vonetta Flowers; admittedly, though, he didn’t look through the whole list. Continue Reading

PRINCETON, NJ – A daily wire report received at LushForLife.com headquarters, yesterday, indicated that a diabetic patient at Princeton Teaching Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey, died from a diabetic stroke, apparently induced from over-consumption of the common food additive high fructose corn syrup. Continue Reading

LONDON – The Guinness Book of World Records announced, today, that the Bible (both Old and New Testament) will be included in their 2006 edition for holding the record as the world’s longest running chain letter. The Bible, which has existed for over two thousand years, has been classified by the Guinness Book of World Records as a “chain letter” due to the fact that its message is very clear: “If you spread the word of God, you will go to Heaven. However, if you do not spread the word of God, you will burn in Hell,” says Editor David Goldstein.

The Catholic Church immediately spoke out against this, stating: “The Bible is not a chain letter. We feel that this is an utter tragedy and one of the worst instances of blasphemy that has ever occurred. To reduce the book of God down to nothing more than a chain letter is a complete mockery of God, Jesus Christ, and the entire Christian faith.” The Catholic Church, being the zealous, money-hungry institute that it is, has also threatened to sue Guinness for all of the revenue they will generate from the sale of “The Guinness Book of World Records, 2006 Edition,” if Guinness publishes the book without removing the Bible from its list of records. However, the Catholic Church did offer to only take half of the book’s revenues if they would consider including the Bible as holding the record for world’s greatest book. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney admitted in a press conference, Tuesday, that when he “accidentally” shot his buddy, GOP Lawyer Harry Whittington, while hunting quail last week, he actually believed that he was playing Bungie’s Halo video game and lost track of reality. Continue Reading

MUNICH – The 2006 International Einstein Awards were presented last night at a glittering ceremony attended by celebrities from around the globe. The awards honor the definition of insanity attributed to Einstein: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and are partly sponsored by Alcoholics Anonymous who uses this definition. Continue Reading