WASHINGTON – An audiotape purported to be of Osama Bin Laden was aired Thursday afternoon on the Arabic satellite news channel, al-Jazeera, making a vague reference to a possible truce with the United States if they pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan. Jennifer Millerwise, Director of Public Affairs at the Central Intelligence Agency, said early Friday morning that the tape has been analyzed and it is believed that the voice on the recording is indeed that of the Federal Bureaus of Investigation’s most wanted man.
Mrs. Millerwise also revealed that the tape, after careful digital analysis, also revealed telling background sounds that might explain Bin Laden’s reasons for the unprecedented peace offering. “Agency audio experts have discovered some extremely interesting and disturbing information from the tape,” said Mrs. Millerwise, “And it appears that Bin Laden was watching the new episode of the Fox show 24. Our top analysts believe that the reason that Bin Laden is offering this truce is because he is concerned that more terrorist attacks on US soil could interrupt the airing of the current season and possibly even the filming of the next.”
LushForLife.com senior security advisor, Author Rocks, explains that this comes as no real surprise: “It’s been well-known in intelligence circles that Al-Qaeda watch a lot of Fox programming. Bin Laden has been known to not only play Rush Limbaugh recordings but also play Fox news broadcasts to terror trainees to infuriate them to the point of becoming suicide bombers. Osama himself is a huge Fox watcher for this reason, as well as a big fan of Family Guy, the hit Fox animated comedy. People in the community felt it was only a matter of time before he got hooked on 24, what with its intense sound effects, long-pause dialogue, and Elisha Cuthbert (Bin Laden is a well-known lover of blondes – ed.).”
It appears that the reason that Al-Qaeda have not let their love of Family Guy interrupt their terrorist activities is that the animators work in a sealed bunker and are safe from most attacks, as well as the fact that the complete five seasons are readily available on DVD at Amazon.com.
Kiefer Sutherland, who plays the lead character in 24, Jack “Get-the-job-done-at-any-cost” Bauer, and executive producer of the show said Friday that he is glad to “do his bit” and appreciates that fact that even terrorists can have “fantastic taste in what I like to think of as the cutting edge in television.”
US intelligence forces now are shifting some of their efforts of stopping nuclear weapons being traded to terrorists to stop the flow of TiVo boxes to the Middle East, seeing as it would allow Al-Qaeda to make attacks during the day and watch their shows anytime they choose. A senior spokesperson at Fox earlier today commented, “We are just super-pleased that we are helping curtail the tide of terror. It is our goal at Fox not only to entertain the people of the world, but also to make them less likely to do things other than watch television. It is our hope that Mr. Bin Laden soon discovers House, M.D., a great show with snappy dialogue and fantastic characters (eight o’clock, nine o’clock central, Tuesdays), as it may completely put an end to most of the violence in the modern world.”
