TAMPA – Once again, the pressroom at has been forced to bear the brunt of a hostile corporate takeover, shifting the entire staff around in order to save a few pennies here and a few pennies there.

Halliburton Energy Services, out of Houston, purchased 51 percent of stocks in the bid last Tuesday. The takeover party was literally a hostile one, as the headquarters was raided and subsequently held at bay by the US Army, under instruction of Halliburton Chairman, President and CEO David J. Lesar.

Looking to appease their money-hungry, war-mongering stockholders, Halliburton has since done an entire change of the staff and corporate hierarchy.

Since the reallocations, a first-year journalism student from China who speaks no English whatsoever has been promoted to editor starting next week, and the rest of the staff has been relegated to only writing stories that are sponsored by extreme right-wing groups, limiting their freedom of speech and journalistic integrity.

I am sad to report this, of course, because we at have always tried our damndest to bring you the news in a fresh, unbiased fashion, but now, as of our next update, will be so far removed from objectivity that we may as well pay Republican-minded monkey droids to write our material (that doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea, actually).

So, gentle reader, we bid you a fond farewell as we prance off into the sunset, tails between our legs, heads hanging downs, our laptop screens smashed into oblivion, and our integrity left back at the office.




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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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