TAMPA – Once again, the pressroom at LushForLife.com has been forced to bear the brunt of a hostile corporate takeover, shifting the entire staff around in order to save a few pennies here and a few pennies there.
Halliburton Energy Services, out of Houston, purchased 51 percent of LushForLife.com stocks in the bid last Tuesday. The takeover party was literally a hostile one, as the LushForLife.com headquarters was raided and subsequently held at bay by the US Army, under instruction of Halliburton Chairman, President and CEO David J. Lesar.
Looking to appease their money-hungry, war-mongering stockholders, Halliburton has since done an entire change of the staff and corporate hierarchy.
Since the reallocations, a first-year journalism student from China who speaks no English whatsoever has been promoted to editor starting next week, and the rest of the staff has been relegated to only writing stories that are sponsored by extreme right-wing groups, limiting their freedom of speech and journalistic integrity.
I am sad to report this, of course, because we at LushForLife.com have always tried our damndest to bring you the news in a fresh, unbiased fashion, but now, as of our next update, will be so far removed from objectivity that we may as well pay Republican-minded monkey droids to write our material (that doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea, actually).
So, gentle reader, we bid you a fond farewell as we prance off into the sunset, tails between our legs, heads hanging downs, our laptop screens smashed into oblivion, and our integrity left back at the office.
Eee.
Comments