KKK Voice-recognition Software

VALRICO, FL – Ku Klux Klan, Inc. hit the ground running in their 21st century switch to capitalism and technology. Their new Double Zero Voice Recognition and Call Routing Software (00VRS) has doubled the value of their shares on the NY Stock Exchange since its initial offering. Medical and other insurers are lining up to buy.

Aetna, the first company to install the software, reports a 7.6 percent rise in profits during the first quarter using the software. The say that there have been “very few problems even though the software is still, technically, a Beta version.”

A recent KKK public relations seminar pitched the new system as follows:
“Marketeers plus actuaries are the past. Geek psychologists are finding creative ways to maximize premiums and minimize payouts, while still keeping customers on the books.

Enron and WorldCom have made KKK, Inc. newly respectable. “At least we’re honest about what we do,” says Julius Whitebody, COO of the Klan. “We show insurers how technology can be harnessed to weed out weaker claimants. Those who do not have the skills, stamina, time, or frustration tolerance to collect money or benefits owed to them, lose out. We blend this in with the normal annoyances of business systems, so clients don’t think that anyone is willfully impeding their claims. Call it a technological ‘white hood’ if you like!”

KKK chose the name of their software strategy from casino terminology, in which the zero gives the house its advantage in roulette. When casinos add a second zero, profits skyrocket. Double Zero Voice Recognition Software can add multiple zeros to an insurer’s profits from its policyholders, especially in smallish claims, such as medical ones.

00VRS works from algorithms which factor-analyze callers’ skills. It collects the verbal cues of poor communication, lack of assertiveness, lack of confidence, poor education (correlated with problems with literacy, arithmetic, record keeping, etc.) and problems with the use of the English language.

The program builds an on-going “weakness” score for each caller, using sensitivity to accent, pronunciation, grammar, fluency, hesitations, vocal confidence, syntax complexity, etc.

In the case of a call to a medical insurer, quick, confident, educated Caucasian voices are routed as simply as possible. 00VRS routes a caller judged “strong but Afro-American” through an extra loop of wait periods and special demands. A “moderately weak” caller needs more pre-approvals or exemptions on most prescriptions and procedures, and only their doctor can call these in.

“Very weak” callers need at least two of these, called in separately. Such callers rarely call their medical practitioners a second time to ask for help with their medical insurance, and it is saving the Aetna beta-site a bundle.

The psycho-geek programmers at KKK love the way the stats support each new feature of the program. In one recent study, they indexed weakness scores to a random test, which erased all prescription pre-approvals from pharmacy files. It then looped callers through three extra wait periods and one disconnect if they tried to reinstate them. This resulted in only 4 percent of “strong” customers giving up on renewing such medications, but in 28 percent of “weak” callers foregoing their prescribed drugs.

The wait loops are a playground for the programmers. Try to get acid reflux meds, and you’ll find yourself on hold for 3.5 minutes of Ice-T’s “Fried Chicken” played over subliminal advertisements for over-the-counter Pepcid and Tums.

When you try to get approval to fill a Viagra prescription, you will have to endure “He Wasn’t Man Enough for Me” by Toni Braxton, interrupted surrealistically by “It’s a Small World After All”. Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis prescription refills are down by 32 percent.

The “easily shamed” sicknesses such as anxiety, insomnia, depression and any form of mental illnesses are a great place to fill call-holding time with right wing radio, and include simulated programs warning people what to watch out for when buying drugs on-line. KKK’s studies show that this moves people quickly towards the illegal Internet drug market, where they can avoid any extra layer of difficulty or embarrassment.

KKK is working on its next feature of the 00VRS: caller recognition and call handling for doctors and their staff. This will link system inconveniences to the cost of the drugs, tests or procedures required, and to the per-patient cost from each doctor to a secret shared medical insurer database. 00VRS will ultimately control which medications and procedures doctors prescribe, by making the hassle for the doctor proportional to the expense to insurers. It will also penalize doctors who cost the system more than average.

45 million Americans have no health insurance, but that still leaves a lot of people paying up for the magical promise that someone, somewhere, will cover the bills if they get sick. KKK, Inc. sees a lot of room for profit enhancement in that market, and after that there is the rest of the insurance world just waiting for a company who is actually, for once, honest about its values.

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