January Horoscopes

Aries: Your life is gay this month.

Taurus: On January 29th, at exactly 10:42 PM, the police will knock on your door. When you open the door, they will begin to ask you questions regarding a murder in the neighborhood. You won’t be able to answer any of their questions, and they will leave, only to return the next day with a search warrant. Hide your LSD.

Gemini: God hates you, and to prove it, he is going to send Ryan Seacrest to film his new reality show at your house.

Cancer: Call your mother. She is going to die of an as of yet undiscovered, fast-acting form of uterine cancer. It’s too bad that you called her a “whore of a mother” last week…

Leo: You will take some acid and discover the meaning of life, but will down some codeine to take the edge off of your trip and will, as a result, be in a coma for the following three weeks, forgetting all about your enlightening discovery.

Virgo: You won’t take any acid, but you will have a nice flashback, and giant, pink elephants will sing and dance for you. Also, steer clear of mirrors…

Libra: Avoid restaurants this month. If you don’t, the head chef of wherever you do go won’t like the looks of you, and will poison your food with a lethal dose of cyanide. He will be caught, however, but will never stand trial, as he will commit suicide while in police custody.

Scorpio: You will miss a doctor’s appointment. Don’t worry, though: he will have a slot open the next day, and your boss will be more than happy to give you the time that you need off.

Sagittarius: You’re going to fall in love, yay… and everything will be super… and sunshine and rainbows will follow you everywhere you go… and little fairies will sprinkle magic happy dust all over your face so everyone you smile at will have the best day ever!

Capricorn: You will mistakenly wander into a brothel, thinking that it is a strip club. At this brothel, you will be tricked into buying the hookers cheap wine at $35 a glass. Not having enough money, you will try to leave when a seven-foot-tall Nigerian will try to stop you and take your shoes as compensation. After a yelling match that lasts three-quarters of an hour, he will threaten to call the police on you. Realizing that it is an obviously illegal establishment, you will, in turn, threaten to call the police on them. He will let you go, and you will talk about it for months.

Aquarius: Everyone hates you; you’re a big gay dummy… sorry, it’s true!

Pisces: You will take a lot of acid. It will be too much to handle. You will get “The Fear”.



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