HEAVEN – The American Christian community was shocked, yesterday, at a press release issued from New Jerusalem. God’s spokesperson issued a statement coming out strongly against Intelligent Design. The release stated that The Lord Our God and his board of directors were finally sick and tired of being insulted by the idea that they would be so lazy as to just “magic up” a universe instead of doing it the old-fashioned way of carefully planning out creation and thriving on the faith of their handiwork. Senior Head of Marketing, Jesus Christ, earlier today stated that God, His Father, would refuse to appear before a House Senate committee to debate as to whether or not to allow nut job, farm-state, redneck school teachers to teach intelligent design in already dumbed-down schools across the nation.
God, aka Jehovah (spelt with an “I” in some movies), was subpoenaed earlier this week by an investigative body lead by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, a known cat-murderer. Scandal surrounds The Lord’s refusal to participate as Heaven and Washington insiders alike have hinted that God has pooh-poohed the subpoena because He has still not forgiven Bill Frist for falsely adopting cats as pets in 1989 only to cut them up and use them for medical experiments. The rumors have continued to ooze as speculation into Senator Frist’s animosity towards Heaven’s senior management have lead more than a few commentators to note that Frist, a devote Christian with a strong moral code, is sickened by New Jerusalem’s continued use of nepotism in the hiring of their senior staff.
Other than the Senator’s fights against abortion, cloning, stem cell research, and cats (which have no soul [http://www.gop.com/no_cat_soul.html]), Frist’s ongoing fight with Heaven may cause tension within the Republican Party. Many Christian Republicans still support God and Jesus, even though they may not agree on their ideas about creation, and the divide between the few sane GOP members and the every growing number of cat-murderers is now widening. The end result of this split in the party is an unprecedented exodus of feline loving red-state members to the Democratic Party. Former US President Bill Clinton, a close personal friend of Jesus and a former college roommate of The Holy Ghost, said late Tuesday afternoon, “Myself and animal lovers all ’round the world feel very strongly that intelligent design should not be taught in classrooms in our great nation. May God continue to bless these United States.”
