Dictionaries Corrupt Republican Youth

As the GOP struggles to clean up its act, a new bribery scandal is surfacing, and Republican parents, not disgraced Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff, are the ones offering the pay-offs.

A new study shows that 14.6 percent of Republican parents have given their offspring an iPod, Xbox 360, gas money, or a copy of The Purpose Driven Life (2nd edition; with 30 day supply of crystal meth) in exchange for a pledge not to read a dictionary.

The problem started at Princeton University (see: Princeton WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003). An unusually alert student discovered that the word “conservative” means to be “unimaginatively conventional, conforming to the standards and conventions of the middle class, and of a bourgeois mentality”.

He was previously unaware that the lexicographers of Princeton knew his parents. After this discovery, he found himself uncomfortable when the description “conservative” was applied to him at a Republican political meeting.

He tried to define himself in a single word, and found that the ideal term existed, and was frequently used on Fox News as an insult; “liberal”. He found that it encapsulated his position, which he sees as:

  • Open-minded and tolerant of the opinions of others
  • Open to discussions of social reform and/or progress
  • Favoring the protection of civil liberties
  • Favoring economic theories of self-regulating markets
  • Against radicalism or revolutionary changes in current practices, conditions, or institutions.

The news spread amongst Princeton students and has now infected a large number of other colleges, including students from Republican homes. Many young Republicans believe that anyone of any political persuasion with an IQ over 90 (of an age under 90) would logically prefer to be a “liberal-”, whatever term comes after the word.

Dirty dealings in Washington might cause consternation, but a “liberal” child? Republican parents are distraught. Who needs an argument about semantics every time that Fox “news” is on?

It’s too late for some GOP families, but (as the avian flu experts are warning) prevention is better than cure. Dictionaries have vanished from Republican homes, and special software prevents youngsters accessing dictionary websites. The kids are offered gifts to stay away from these sources of corruption.

Republican money is behind the move. Princeton has lost all Republican grants, and the cash has gone instead to Apple (to subsidize iPods), to Microsoft Xbox 360 (because they don’t make enough money already and Bill looked a bit shabby on the cover of Time Magazine), and to crystal meth laboratories to energize the economies of Central Florida.

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