Budweiser Linked To Dude-broism

DURHAM, NC – A recent experiment conducted at Duke University has revealed that the disease Dude-broism, which was once believed to be only transmitted genetically, can begin to develop in the human brain from over-consumption of Anheuser-Busch’s alcoholic beverage Budweiser.

Professors and students at Duke University conducted their study by administering regulated doses of Budweiser beer on one hundred different male students from the age of 18 to 23 who attend the school. Symptoms of Dude-broism began to surface after three continuous days of the rationed forty ounces of daily consumption. Symptoms included a loss of fashion sense, a lowering of standards in sexual partners, and a significant decline in IQ.

The study also showed that subjects who consumed more than forty ounces per day began to decline at a much more rapid pace. Dr. Pascal Goldschmidt, said in a press release to LushForLife.com:

“The results we found in our study were somewhat surprising, and it totally discounted what we thought we knew about being a Dude-bro.

“We found that for every eight ounces of Budweiser beer consumed by our patients, resulted in a five to ten point decline in that patient’s intelligence quotient. Furthermore, the study also showed that by drinking Budweiser beer, not only did the patients suffer from slurred speech, which, obviously, we already knew, but also drinking the beverage resulted in a significant decline in vocabulary.

“Another symptom we documented was lessened sense of moral responsibility or, in other words, rather slutty behavior. When we reached day five of the experiment, ninety-five percent of our subjects were willing to engage in sexual intercourse with any female put before them, regardless of attractiveness.

“Once we reached the end of our study, our final analysis was that if a male youth consumes even a somewhat reasonable amount if Budweiser beer, there is a ninety-nine percent chance that person will become a significantly less intelligent, stupid looking, poorly dressed male slut, in no longer than three to five days.”

As a footnote, Goldschmidt added, “And not to mention, it tastes like shit, too.”

Following the investigation, professors and students who conducted the experiment have urged college students at Duke University to refrain from drinking the Anheuser-Busch beverage, releasing the results in the school newspaper and posting them in heavy traffic areas around the campus. It is still unclear, however, if the test results will make any kind of a difference to all of the stupid dude-bros with popped collars and broken palettes who still drink the horrid, disease-spreading beverage.

It has been reported by LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks that after hearing the results of the study, ultra-left-wing-bleeding-heart-liberal/actor George Clooney will no longer be narrating Budweiser commercials.

This is Budweiser. This is beer.

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