TAMPA, FL – A dispute over land rights ended in bloodshed, Wednesday, when two as yet unidentified males claimed their stake in apparently unowned wasteland.
Police were called to the scene in North Tampa when the two males wandered into an undeveloped, forested area about the size of a basketball court and claimed it as their own, dubbing it “The Mike Caulk Twelve Forest”. The two men were allegedly in the throes of an all-night drug binge, and figured that it was okay to take the area consisting of about a dozen trees.
One of the men climbed the tallest tree and set up a lookout, while the other stripped to his underwear and began screaming obscenities at the squirrels.
“I never heard nothing like it,” one resident claimed, “It was just this crap about them squirrels being liars and trying to take away his women. At one point, he called it a ‘pathetic cocksucker of a hording whore’ and started chasing it around. It was really weird. That’s when I called the police.”
Local police arrived at the scene with guns drawn, hoping to curb the threat to the squirrels and residents quickly and easily. They did not count on, however, the offenders brandishing guns of their own.
Police then called US Marshals after it was realized that one of the men might be a convict recently escaped from prison. Also, according to an insider, police are not trained to deal with dangerous felons; only traffic violators and domestic spats.
“This here is my land” one of the men yelled, when a young US Marshal opened fire. He was not a good shot, however, and the crazed land thieves returned fire, wounding three police and leaving two US Marshals dead with gunshot wounds to the face.
The two men still sit atop their find in a standoff that could last for weeks, or when they come down from their drug-binge; whichever comes first… which may be a while as they proclaimed to have enough LSD and peyote to kill an elephant.
