Santa Claus’ Letter To Penthouse

TAMPA, FL – intercepted a letter to Penthouse Magazine written by none other than Kris Kringle himself. The letter was sent via the US Postal service, and had the return address: “North Pole.”

“Dear Penthouse,

Things haven’t been that great between my wife and I in the bedroom for quite some time now, but what can one really expect from a marriage that has lasted over a century? Then, last night while my wife was baking cookies in the kitchen, I started to feel a little horny. So, I went into the kitchen and walked up behind her while she was bent over putting the cookies into the oven. I firmly grabbed her ass and said, “Bitch, why don’t you forget about those damn cookies, and get on your knees so you can suck my big red candy cane?”

Surprisingly, she went for it! She got down on her knees, pulled my hard cock out, and started going to town. After a few minutes, I pulled her up by her hair, bent her over, lifted up her dress, and began penetrating her with a rolling pin. I kept thinking to myself; “This is so fucking sweet! How could this get any better?” It was at this moment that things escalated to an unpredictable level.

As my wife was moaning in ecstasy, I heard a sound come from the living room. It sounded like someone opening and closing a door. Not a second later, one of my worker elves walked in on us. We all stood there uncomfortably. Not sure what to do or say, I quickly blurted out: “Well, are ya just gonna stand there and watch, or are ya gonna come get a piece of this sweet ass?” “Fucking A!” the elf said. He ran over faster than an African American running from the police and dropped his pants. I couldn’t believe it: my wife was into this, too!

Although I was enjoying myself, I couldn’t help but think; “Damn, what kind of loose whore did I marry?” Nonetheless, I didn’t let this stop me. My wife began to orally please the elf as I rammed her from behind. Then we took it into the bedroom. I got out my digital video camera and said, “Let’s make this interesting.” Once again, I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was now directing my own porno, and my wife was the star. What an awesome night! I think I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.


St. Nick… or should I say, St. Dick!”



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