Republican Necromancers To Resurrect Reagan Tonight

WASHINGTON – Top Republican sorcerers are to gather tonight at midnight beneath the Capitol Rotunda in a rare full Solemn Conclave meeting to attempt to resurrect deceased former President Ronald Reagan, according to multiple highly-placed sources close to the Republican National Committee. The Solemn Conclave would be the Republicans’ first since 1991, when they are rumored to have met at the Lincoln Memorial to unleash unidentified eldritch, long-sleeping forces into the skies, leading to the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

Internal disputes between the religious and business wings of the party, the botched response to Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, public relations setbacks at home and worldwide in the wake of the ongoing quagmire in Iraq, and the acrimonious debate surrounding Senator John McCain’s (R-AZ) anti-torture proposal have prompted renewed calls for clear leadership within the party. As a driving force behind the late twentieth century conservative revival in the party, former President Reagan was the natural choice.

President George W. Bush, though widely hailed as an able figurehead and mouthpiece, has shown yet little desire to claim the Archmage’s throne for himself. Republican sources indicate that Bush is widely held to be a golem by the party rank and file; a sort of slow-witted automaton constructed from clay which is wholly subservient to its maker.

Though golems are typically clumsy and obviously artificial, experts cannot rule out the possibility that the Republican National Committee has by now gathered enough experience and wisdom to produce a completely realistic simulacrum. “What you think of when you hear the word ‘golem’ — a stumbling, lumbering beast dripping chunks of gooey clay and barely able to grunt — is the product of an amateur. The RNC are the best,” explains golem expert Dr. David Rothstein of Yeshiva University in New York. “They absolutely may have advanced the art far enough to make a golem that is passable as human in front of a camera. Who can say?”

Vice President Dick Cheney has long been suspected of being Bush’s creator. Sources indicate that, as Richard Nixon’s ablest apprentice, Cheney was selected to embody the Master’s dark essence when the time came. In that case, Cheney would now have almost two centuries of experience, making him one of the most powerful wizards known to be engaged in public life today. Yet even Cheney has been unable to secure the Archmage’s throne, leading to vast waves of speculation over the source and extent of rival and sometime ally Donald Rumsfeld’s powers. A host of lesser contenders abound, and their factional support may be enough to counterbalance Cheney. Rumsfeld’s possession of the fabled testicles of Lenin, a Communist artifact long coveted by conservative powers the world over, may also play a part.

The restoration of Reagan to life would solve many problems and power struggles within the party at a stroke. Reagan sat upon the Archmage’s Throne twice, for 34 years in total. His tenure has been far longer than any other, including Nixon, to whom he voluntarily relinquished power in the early 1970’s in order to devote his full efforts towards combating the rise of Hindoo tantrics in his native California. Reagan was finally destroyed utterly in the early 1990s through the efforts of the powerful Democratic sorcerer, Clinton the Exalted.

Reagan’s earthly remains were compacted into bullion cube form and have been kept in the office of Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) since. The top Republicans are rumored to have kept in contact with Reagan’s essence since through regular and costly spiritual projection into the astral plane.

The ceremony to invoke Reagan’s spirit and draw it back to the Prime Material Plane is expected to last for many hours and to require the combined efforts of every top Republican sage, along with the sacrifice of an unknown number of destitute people of color while Republican pipers intone shrill tunes upon flutes of goat’s bone. The coloreds’ blood is to be spilled into a pit of molten plastic, whence it will then be drawn and forged into ingots of gold. After these ingots are stacked into a pyramid, the still-throbbing eye of a living young white man will be placed atop, to perceive the tendrils of Reagan’s essence from above. Cheney, Rumsfeld, Lott, and Bill Frist (R-TN) will then throw their robes into the flames and begin an intricate, frenzied dance wherein each step must be executed in precise rhythm and time. When the eye twitches and leaps, it is said to be imbued with Reagan’s spirit, whereupon reinsertion into the still-living sacrificial vehicle will allow Reagan to displace the young man’s own soul and claim the body for his own.

Detractors of the proposal to resurrect Reagan point to a long string of failures, claiming that some essential element of the technique has been lost. The procedure was last attempted in 1872, when the Republicans attempted to raise Abraham Lincoln, but instead summoned only a minor 17th century Viennese pastry chef, who suffered considerable deformity in the process and had to be immolated when he attacked and viciously bit President Ulysses S. Grant. “They couldn’t raise Lincoln. This hasn’t worked at all since 1791. We have learned nothing new. How can they expect this to work?” said Senator John McCain (R-AZ), a leading Republican detractor of the effort.

Yet the golem expert, Dr. Rothstein, remains hopeful. “The Republicans’ skill in body manipulation is unparalleled. They’ve come a long way since 1791. Just consider Condoleezza Rice. She seems real enough, yet Henry Kissinger had to work ceaselessly for years to condition that husk before he could fulfill his lifelong dream of living as a young black woman. Everyone thought he was nuts, but in the end, it worked. And they could pull another surprise off tonight.”

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Hoping to create the world's first perfect FemBot, Mr. Payne achieved his Master's degrees in Artificial Intelligence and Linguistics. After the government pulled his funding, he took a position as a part time correspondent with Lush For Life. He continues to travel the globe, establishing numerous contacts for microchips and silicon enhancements on all seven continents.

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