LAS VEGAS – The autopsy results following God’s improbable assassination in Dubuque, Iowa, earlier this year has revealed startling answers involving an unsolved murder that occurred in 1974 in Branson, Missouri. Continue Reading

HOLLYWOOD – After suffering what he called a “back injury” on the set of his latest sure-fire flop fest, Miami Vice, Colin Farrell has admitted himself into an unidentified drug treatment center (no doubt The Betty Ford Center for Washed-Up, Has-Been, and Never-Will-Be Actors), proving once again that money, fame, and fortune are just too much for even the baddest assed of H’wood’s bad asses. Continue Reading

Many have debated as to whether or not the state of Israel needs to exist, and the answer is simple: Make me the ruler of the world. Now, I know that that’s not really an answer, but there are a few things that I would have done within the first few days of my rule. With a nuclear arsenal at my command, I would set about making sure that the world was a safe place to raise your children, live a peaceful life, and have a false sense of freedom… much like America is today. Continue Reading

I was sitting on the toilet – my throne, my “Fortress of Solitude” – depositing a Continue Reading

RIVERVIEW, FL – Former Greco Middle School teacher Debra LaFave, who recently was charged as a sex offender stemming from several sexual encounters she committed upon her former students, has opened a new daycare business out of her townhouse in Riverview, Florida. Continue Reading

MIAMI – On a flight to Orlando, Thursday, US Marshals were forced to shoot a man who could have almost, most possibly, in some likelihood, been a terrorist. Martine Rodriguez, the most almost certainly identified terrorist, was on his was to Orlando Florida (a known hot bed of terrorism activity), with his wife and bombs. The plain clothed Air Marshals drew their guns and yelled to Mr. Rodriguez to put his bag down and were forced to fire when he screamed and decided to run away. Continue Reading

TAMPA, FL – A dispute over land rights ended in bloodshed, Wednesday, when two as yet unidentified males claimed their stake in apparently unowned wasteland.  Continue Reading

Aries: Unfortunately, your hair will fall out: but don’t worry… it will grow back on your ass.

Taurus: Adam Sandler will arrive at your doorstep and play the Chanukah Song in celebration of the holiday season, and for an extra $20 he will also reenact the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in your front lawn for all your neighbors to spectate and enjoy. Continue Reading