Miami Man Goes For Title: ‘Best Rapist’

MIAMI – More bizarre than “World’s Best Father”, Jose Cortez, of Miami, has decided to try and set the world record in number of rapes, making him the World’s Best Rapist.

In his quest to rape more people than anyone in history, Cortez has had to remain very diverse in his selections for submission. At first, he thought he could get away with raping only young, pretty women that he actually had a fancy for. Now, though, he has realized that nothing and no one is too old, too ugly, or too of the wrong sex.

“I have had to extend my repertoire,” said Cortez, “Now, I have to include really young girls, and even boys, as young as eleven. I thought that would help me get a leg up in the competition, but it really hasn’t. I have to think outside the box.”

And he did. Cortez has now decided that any male or female between the ages of zero and seventy-nine will have to suffice. In a tight race, any hole will have to do.

This bodes ominously bad for Cortez, who was doing well in his pursuit of raping perfection, as young twenty-something women were a dime a dozen at local Miami clubs, as long as there was enough GHB in his vial. Now, however, he has had to broaden his horizons for the search for his next victim.

“I have a full schedule these days, man. I wake up at six am and prowl the local bus stops for kindergarteners,” Cortez explained, “That usually ties me up until noon, and then I hit up the retirement centers for that nice, crusty poon tang. I can usually get in four and five before the high schools let out.”

Of course, police are in hot pursuit of Cortez, trying to not get the title of World’s Worst Police Precinct.

The final tally will be taken on December 31st.



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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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