Martha Kringle Sex Tape Discovered

NORTH POLE – A sex tape involving Santa Claus’ wife, Martha Kringle, and several of his elves has surfaced at a local Blockbuster Video at the North Pole. Clerks discovered it inside of a “Lord of the Rings” cassette box when it was returned to the store.

Following a database search of recent customers who had rented the title, it became clear the accidental placement of the sex tape was committed by Ralph Jemison, who works as a part-time security guard at the FBI’s field office located in nearby Fairbanks, Alaska. Initial indications reveal that Jemison had stolen the videotape from the FBI’s evidence archives for his own personal usage.

After questioning special agent in charge Thomas McClenaghan, LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks reported that a recent investigation of a registered sex offender elf’s North Pole home revealed a massive collection of child pornography archived on the elf’s computer, as well as a never before seen sex tape involving Martha Kringle, wife of world renowned gift-giver, Santa Claus. The tape, along with all other illegal sex materials, were seized by federal investigators and placed in their archive, where Jemison presumably stole the tape.

Ferocious in nature, the tape depicts Mrs. Claus in a variety of sensual and compromising positions. In one scene, as reported federal investigators, Mrs. Kringle is performing oral sex to a well-endowed elf, while also being anally penetrated by three separate elves, who are not quite as well-endowed, at the same time. Though Santa does not appear in the entire video, it is believed that he was the cameraman filming the tape, judging by the tasteful and artful cinematography. The tape is reportedly over four hours in duration, and includes all sorts of deviant sexual behavior including bondage, bestiality with reindeer, and the usage of future Christmas presents as various sex toys.

“It is disgusting, let me tell you,” special agent Thomas McClenaghan said. “I’ve seen some nasty things in my life, things I wouldn’t speak of in public, but some of the stuff that wretched woman did to those elves is simply not repeatable.

“She took a model train and shoved it completely inside of her, then told the elves to turn the train on,” McClenaghan said, “then she removed it and forced the elves to ‘lick it clean’ while she shoved a three-stoned diamond into the all of the elves’ exposed assholes.”

While the tape was in the hands of Blockbuster employees, the tape was copied and now has surfaced on a multitude of pornography websites. It appears the FBI’s attempts to keep the sexual practices of The Santa Claus Conglomerate under wraps have proven futile.

“We didn’t want the tape to be seen,” McClenaghan said. “Because the tape was not directly involved in our investigation, and technically there were no illegal acts committed and the filming was done in the privacy of Claus’ home, we intended to keep our discovery a secret. I guess we messed up.”

It appears that when the hordes of teenage perverts resign from Christmas dinner and return to their computers and their sordid noodle-yanking routines, the Google searches will no longer contain the sexual keywords of old, but will be dominated by the new “Kringle Elf Fuck Dick Suck Pussy Tit”. Hooray for the holiday season.

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