Israel, WTF?

Many have debated as to whether or not the state of Israel needs to exist, and the answer is simple: Make me the ruler of the world. Now, I know that that’s not really an answer, but there are a few things that I would have done within the first few days of my rule. With a nuclear arsenal at my command, I would set about making sure that the world was a safe place to raise your children, live a peaceful life, and have a false sense of freedom… much like America is today.

First, obviously, would be the destruction of Jerusalem. This is evident both from the title of this piece and the fact that a city which is the religious center of three major religions has to go. Most of the wacko front would be scared shitless after I turn the Dome of the Rock into very small stones, the Wailing Wall into a ditch and the rest of the place into the very distant future plans for a golf course… say 500 years or so. Next on the list: New Zealand.

Why New Zealand, you make ask, and I say “Because it’s the most boring place on the planet.” Sigmund Freud once visited the place and was asked what he thought of it all, and the very sensible man answered, “Well, I would say, but it appeared to be closed at the time.” Another good reason would be that they would never see it coming, and on top of that, the rest of the world would say, “Wow! If this nut is crazy enough to blow away New Zealand, I sure ain’t fucking with him!” This is the kind of publicity that you cannot buy without kilotonage.

From there I would move on to Mecca, just in case anyone had forgotten that I was a benevolent, albeit psychotic, anti-organized-religionist. The sooner that we have gotten rid of these nut-cases who believe in judgmental men in the sky and start believing in the idea that I will drop bombs out of the sky, the better. Next, I will take over Chad.

It is a well-known fact that Chad is the worst place on the planet. The population is massive and the whole country sucks. Mothers have 300 children each and they all die by the time they’re two, and the few who live longer than that have to survive off the family goat and the few weeds that grow outside the hut in the middle of the desert. Has to go… Instead, I will fence the whole place off and move in all the prisoners, tele-evangelists, the entire players league of NFL Canada and all remaining New Zealand foreign nationals. Then my minions will set up a massive camera network throughout Chad and will air drop in food laced randomly with steroids, PCP, and LSD. The show will be broadcast all over the world and the show will be fantastic. The people will no longer need churches, mosques or temples and the ratings will make as much as the Catholic Church.

Then, peace and happiness will reign and children will have talking teddy bears. The sooner you accept the LushForLife editorial staff into your life, the less likely your chances of being nuked.

Good Night.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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