God Election ’05 Update

LAS VEGAS – The autopsy results following God’s improbable assassination in Dubuque, Iowa, earlier this year has revealed startling answers involving an unsolved murder that occurred in 1974 in Branson, Missouri.

Following the autopsy, doctors obtained God’s DNA structure. After a cross reference search of similar DNA strands in the FBI’s database in search for a possible Messiah, medical practitioners and federal investigators discovered the only match arose from an unsolved murder of a senior citizen widower outside of the Lawrence Welk Studio in Branson, Missouri, in 1974.

FBI Director Robert Mueller said in a press release:

“The news that has transpired from God’s autopsy has revealed that he was, in fact, the culprit of a murder which happened over thirty years ago in Branson, Missouri. We ran several tests comparing God’s DNA with that of the specimen found on the torn loincloth discovered inside the rectal cavity of the victim. Our scientists are assuring us there is a 99.9% match of the two DNA specimens.”

Federal investigators are determined to prosecute the Holy offender at the fullest extent. Knowing that He has passed, indications are that the FBI plans on prosecuting the newly elected God in the current God Election. It appears that whomever wins the election will be forced to put their victory celebrations on hold due to pending murder charges.

“We are watching the election very closely,” Mueller said, “and whoever takes over for the recently deceased will not only assume His religious duties, but also His legal issues as well. Someone will have to account for this.”

The various religious groups and denominations, as well as the God nominee’s campaigns, are beginning to do whatever they can to lose ground in the election and forfeit their position to avoid prosecution.

Jim Bakker, the front-runner to win the election, recently committed a sexual act on an underage minority during a religious rally in the town square in Mobile, Alabama. Charles Barkley, who had gained the most ground in the polls out of all the candidates, has gone back to the broadcasting field. The candidate who has had the most issues in losing ground in the election, Rev. Billy Graham, who was running on the Atheist ticket, is trying to lose the support of not only the Atheists but also his steadfast God-fearing supporters.

It appears the God Election has now turned into a race on who can lose the most of the voter’s support the fastest. With the God vote on March 15th nearing, one of the unfortunate candidates will be crowned the new Holy Redeemer, and will live out the first twenty-five years to life of their position behind bars.

Comments

comments

Tags: , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]