December Horoscopes

Aries: Unfortunately, your hair will fall out: but don’t worry… it will grow back on your ass.

Taurus: Adam Sandler will arrive at your doorstep and play the Chanukah Song in celebration of the holiday season, and for an extra $20 he will also reenact the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in your front lawn for all your neighbors to spectate and enjoy.

Gemini: Don’t play coy: you know why you’re getting coal in your stocking.

Cancer: Oops, I forgot about you. Check back next month.

Leo: Suicide rates are at their peak during the holidays. However, don’t fret! You’re not going to take your own life… Your best friend is.

Virgo: Santa Claus is going to fly into your living room on a magic sled led by eight magic reindeer. He will shower you with amazing gifts, and then tell you wonderful stories over cookies and milk. Yeah, right! Hahahahaha, nothing that cool is ever gonna happen.

Libra: Suicide rates are at their peak during the holiday season… I don’t know how to put this exactly… umm… If your best friend is a Leo, try to leave them something really cool.

Scorpio: You’re going to have a very merry Christmas, you sexy bitch, you!

Sagittarius: Monkeys are going to eat your face.

Capricorn: An exotic woman with big tits and a small self esteem is going to bring you all the Christmas cheer you could ever hope for, and she’s gonna do it for a very low price, too!

Aquarius: A Christmas party at your office, a lot of eggnog, and a Xerox machine are the only things you’ll need to get that big promotion at work!

Pisces: Remember: anal sex is the gift that keeps on giving.

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