‘Festivus’ Declared National Holiday

WASHINGTON – As if there weren’t enough made-up holidays around the X-Mas season, yet another nondenominational excuse for a day off work has reared its ugly head.

Evidently impressed with the likes of the fictitious holidays that atheists and blacks and Jews make up to forget that Christmas is about Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior’s birth, another sect of new secularism, Seinfeldians, has petitioned Washington to make the 23rd of December declared “Festivus”.

Festivus is celebrated by abandoning typical Christian-American Christmas traditions, such as “Christmas Trees” (usually an evergreen fir tree, decorated lavishly with lights, tinsel, and small peppermint candies shaped like canes), and family dinners where the light of happiness shines through everyone’s usually shitty character, and replacing them with crudely decorated aluminum poles and a session of what is known as “airing of grievances”, respectively.

Whereas a wholesome Christian Christmas will typically end in fond farewells, warm hugs and wet kisses, Festivus does not end until the man of the house is pinned in a violent wrestling match.

The Seinfeldians, ranging across the Bible Belt and through the regions of Manifest Destiny, united on November 24th of this year, pressing President George “Dubya” Bush into considering the holiday as a “for real” holiday, much like Kwanzaa and Chanukah, and Christmakah and Chanamus.

In the push to decide whether or not Festivus would be a declared holiday, Bush said he would do it on one condition: he would wrestle Jerry Stiller, who played “Frank Costanza” on the TV sitcom Seinfeld, and if Jerry won, then and only then would Festivus be a “real” holiday. So it would be.

The match was intense, but short-lived. Stiller pinned our president in less than two minutes, and a winded Bush stood to declare:

“Festivus is and always shall be a holiday of legitimacy in these United States. Just like them blacks got theirs and them Jews got theirs, now them couch potatoes got them theirs. May Jesus be with you all. Amen.”

Christians have announced their opposition to the secularization of Jesus’ birthday, but it is yet another whimper in the candle of Christianity as it fades out into the devil’s night sky.

Amen.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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