USA Losing In Tragedy Race

WASHINGTON – The United States is lagging in the most recent real-life NASCAR race that is nationwide death tolls. The numbers were up after the 9/11 tragedy, in which 3000 civilians died. That, added to the over 2000 soldiers killed in the line of duty in Iraq, and then multiplied by all the poor suckers offed by obesity, cancer, heart failure, drunk driving accidents, choking on ham sandwiches, etc., was giving the US a lead in the race.

All was well until that tsunami thingy somewhere over there when a whole banana boat load of Indonesians or whatever were snuffed out by a tidal wave bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s testicles while watching Dave Coulier tell a joke during an episode of Full House. What would the nation do now?

Answer: Hurricane Katrina. When the storm first hit, it seemed like no big deal, much to the dismay of many Washington politicians who were hoping that the ‘cane would push us back to the top. After about a week of completely ignoring New Orleans to push the death count up up and away, reports were coming from Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans, that the toll could be as high as 10000. As senators and congressman licked their chops, more bad news came that the count would only be 1000. Oh, well, we’re still in it and 2005 is nearly over, when the final tabulation is made and the winning country gets a hundred bucks and bragging rights to tears and Red Cross support.

Then the earthquake hit: 35000 dead in Pakistan and India. The US is now a distant second, with time running out. Even in all of its efforts to slow the death race by giving aid to Indiastan as quickly as humanly fucking possible, the US is sure to lose, now. That’s two years in a row, and we don’t like to lose.

According to sources that leaked to LushForLife.com, however, the US isn’t going to stand pat. There are currently at least 1200 freemasons working in conjunction with mad scientists and black sages to construct an earthquake machine of our own. Apparently set for December, an Earthquake of magnitude 12 will rock California and send it off the coast, killing at least 10 million people and securing America as the biggest piss-pot of tragedies the world has ever known. Governor Schwarzenegger will be the sole Californian politician to survive, swimming to Nevada as TV cameras roll, making sure that he has a place in every voting person’s heart, as the US Constitution is amended to allow people with horribly thick indecipherable accents to run for president at least for five terms, and the United States will sit upon their rightful throne of bloody conquest. According to our insiders, that is. Allegedly. Wink.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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