Tom Cruise Saves The World From Evil, Giant, Super-Intelligent, Anal-Retentive Minotaurs From The Planet Neptune

CLEARWATER, FL – For millions of years, evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs have inhabited the planet Neptune, plotting the Earth’s destruction, unbeknownst to us. However, there is one human on the planet Earth who had the wherewithal to foresee this tragedy, and set out to make certain that the world will always be safe from evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs from the planet Neptune, and that man is… actor/lunatic, Tom Cruise! Cruise contacted me, journalist James Avalon, to give me a full description of how he saved the world from evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs from the planet Neptune. This is what Cruise told me:

“It was late one Tuesday night. I was deep in meditation trying to communicate with an extraterrestrial named Xenu, when all of a sudden, L. Ron Hubbard’s spirit channeled into my brain waves from another astral plain. He told me that he could sense a great disturbance in our galaxy. I knew immediately that this could mean only one thing: our planet was about to be attacked by evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs from the planet Neptune. Without any hesitation, I jumped into my space shuttle and set off to the planet Neptune. Six months later, I arrived at Neptune. I landed my shuttle smack in the middle of their primary space center and bravely leaped out of the cockpit, right in front of more than 1000 minotaurs armed with laser guns. I looked right into their general’s eyes and said, ‘Going somewhere?’ He looked back at me and said, with an ugly smirk on his face, ‘As a matter of fact, we were just leaving.’ So I said to him, ‘Well, if it’s the planet Earth that you were thinking of visiting, you better think again!’ He laughed and then said, ‘Oh yeah, and who’s going to stop us?’ I said; ‘I’ll have you know, that I am an Operating Thetan Level Six Scientologist!’ ‘Oh, I’m really scared!’ said the general of the minotaur army. So I got right up in his ugly face and said, ‘Lets dance.’

“In a matter of seconds I was being attacked by minotaurs from every angle. I knew my martial arts skills could only keep them at bay for a short amount of time. I was going to have to use my Scientologist powers if I wanted to save the world. I jumped straight up into the air, maybe fifty feet high, and began to levitate above them. I looked down at them and shouted, ‘I don’t want to hurt you, but you’ve left me no choice! Please, call off your attack on Earth and walk away peacefully!’ Unfortunately, for them, they chose to stay and fight. Bang! POW! I began shooting lightning bolts out of my eyes. They were disintegrating beneath me like ants under a magnifying glass. I used my telekinesis to levitate their buildings, and drop them back down on them, squishing them like grapes. All of this went on for several minutes until there was only one left: the general of their army. I flew back down to the surface of their disgusting planet. The general stood there, furious. ‘Look at what a mess you’ve made!’ he said to me. His anal retentive tendencies were taking control of his emotions. ‘It will take a lifetime to clean this up!’ he shouted. So I said, ‘Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you tried to take over my planet!’ Then I hopped back into my space shuttle and flew off.

“So there you have it. That’s how I saved our planet from evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs from the planet Neptune.”

The network television station FOX has caught wind of Cruise’s story, and said they plan on turning it into a made for TV movie, starring Topher Grace as Tom Cruise.



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