The Gideons International Unveils The ‘Bro-Bible’

NASHVILLE – A spokesman for Gideons International Christian charity said in a press conference yesterday from Nashville, Tennessee, that the charity is releasing a new translation of The Bible, entitled The New Bro-Bible. The decision to release a new version of the age-old religious text was driven from the Gideons’ desire to reach a much younger, broader audience by implementing newer, hipper language.

Samuel Christensen, spokesman for Gideons International, said to LushForLife.com, “Our organization serves as an extended missionary arm of the church. Our sole purpose is to win men, women, boys and girls to the saving grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ.” Christensen continued, “We are determined to distribute the Bible into human traffic lanes and streams of everyday life by any means possible.”

With Christian-conversion numbers decreasing one-hundred-fifty percent in the 15-25 age bracket since the year 2000, the Gideons felt the time was right to make a change.

“The language of The Bible, though certainly rich, is unfortunately so dated that it is no longer able reach all audiences,” Christensen said. “This is what we are trying to do with our new translation: to reach all the younger dude-bros and all the brodeo groups who cannot connect with the current versions of God’s righteous Word. We are using today’s slang to reach them, while staying as true as possible to the original Hebrew, Aramaic, and English versions. To all the duders, dudettes, brodies, brodettes, dude-bros, duder-broders, nig-bros, and nig-brodettes: this new version is for you. God is calling out to you.”

In The New Bro-Bible, scriptures have been translated into the new slang, Brobonics, which is being heavily used among young adults the world over. Some well known Biblical excerpts include:

Genesis 1:1

“In the beginning God-Dude grinded-out the heavens and the earth. Now, the earth was bongwater as fuck, it was bananas all over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God-Bro was whammy-jammying over the waters. And Duder said, ‘Bro, sup? Let there be a righteous grindage session of light, dude’ and there was light.”

John 3:16

“God-Bro so dug the third rock that he bro’d down his one and only begotten Duder, that whoever joins the jam-session will not rot-out but have an everlasting tubular brodeo.”

The Gideons have announced that The New Bro-Bible, or what some are calling The Broble, will be released worldwide next week and should hit the shelves of bookstores and Christian outlets early in the 2005 holiday season, so the young readers seeking the Lord will be able to find him by Christmas time.

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