The Contagious Rainbow

WASHINGTON – A year after September 11th, nine Army linguists were dismissed from the military because of their sexual orientation. At a time when the military was struggling to recruit Arabic speakers, as it still is, these were vital losses. But General Cunningham, head of a new top-priority military operation, insists that these were essential sacrifices.

“The gay factor is a bit like cooties,” Cunningham explains, “or chickenpox. It’s viciously contagious. That’s why I call it ‘gaymonia’. It’s like that other thing… pneumonia, just worse… much worse,” Cunningham continues.” It’s worse than a pissed off Charlie… who’s got the gaymonia.

“You see, if you’re around a gay for too long you become infected. There’s no doubt about that. This is why we couldn’t risk any more men. It’s a very nasty business.”

Two of the agents were caught together after curfew, and Cunningham claims that this was due to their close relations with the other linguists.

“We call it ‘exposure’; exposure to the elements of gaymonia… and probably to nude, well groomed men. Those two were fine young men, and then one day they’re slipping each other the greasy salami. I hear that the man who found them isn’t doing too well, either. They say he’s now moisturizing his hands.”

The General elaborated on the cause of a second wave of dismissals that is currently sweeping through the army. Cunningham and his Special Forces unit head this sacking frenzy code-named ‘Operation Soggy Rainbow’.

“We have strong evidence indicating that we may never rid ourselves of the gaymonia factor,” says Cunningham. “I think it’s mutated, possibly becoming airborne. We’ve done everything we can, but they’re turning on us. I heard an Officer ask for wine instead of beer at the monthly party. He wanted a ‘dry white’. That’s what he said. ‘A chilled Chardonnay, if you have it’.

“We considered compulsory pornography screenings, but we are afraid that the sight of the male genitalia may excite the men. And lesbianism just feeds gaymonia.

“Instead, we’ve separated the showers, guarded the dorms, and isolated ‘suspected carriers’. These potentially infected men have been quarantined so as not to contaminate the other men, and they are run through a series of vigorous tests. If they test negative for knowledge of opera, musicals, antique pricing, and Liza Minelli movies, and then are not aroused by the sight of a young, virile Private stripping down, they are cleared.

“It’s all a very messy situation,” says Cunningham, “but we’ll get through it. If I have to personally expose myself to every man in this army to remove the threat of the gay factor, I will. Believe me, I will.”

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