Soccer: No One Cares

It’s been called “The Beautiful Game”. A game of skill, speed, pretty boys and fans that will kill their fellow man just because they’re wearing another team’s color. And almost nobody in the United States gives a damn. Wake up America!! This is what the rest of the world is doing! How is it that you are able to go to a four hour football game, and the most passionate you get is throwing an empty beer cup at an opposing team’s fan? I thought you were supposed to have BALLS! All I ever hear is “Football’s a MAN’S sport!” and “We’ve got the bombs!” HA! What a bunch of pussies. If you really were the tough country you make yourselves out to be you would watch REAL football; the kind you play with your FEET!

The biggest issue I have with soccer in the US is that you are actually good at it. Really good! It pisses the rest of the world off so much that you are good and don’t care that I’m sure it is one of the contributing factors to anti-American sentiment around the world and the growing terrorism against the US. If you would start following the bloody sport and try to work out the offsides rule, maybe the rest of the world wouldn’t hate you so much. I’m pretty sure that a sociopathic Muslim would think twice about car-bombing Lambeau Field if he had grown up watching the World Cup being played there instead of a game where half-naked cheerleaders were required to hold the audience’s attention during the ten thousand stoppages. To an Arab, it’s just a waste of green, grassy space. And aren’t you supposed to be this big, capitalistic, money-grubbing cesspool of mall-addicted rednecks? Soccer makes ten times the money than all of the American sports combined, and what better way to keep the rednecks away from NASCAR than turning them into self-respecting soccer hooligans.

Can you tell me: when was the last time that an American sports star was a sex symbol? You can’t, can you? Think about it. How can your poor women fantasize about your sports stars when you can’t even name one? You have to go to a girly sport like tennis just to even come close and even then, I bet most of you don’t even know then name of ONE tennis player. The reason is that your sports require freaks of nature to play them. Seven-foot tall basketball players, 300-pound apes for football, toothless rednecks that can only make left turns for NASCAR, and don’t even get me started on your science experiments gone wrong in baseball. If you had a David Beckham or two, your GDP would double. Wake up and smell the Gatorade, America: your sports suck and you are doomed to have your sporting venues bombed until you start appreciating the beautiful game.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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