Research Suggests Dude-broism Linked To Genes

CHAPEL HILL, NC – In a press conference Wednesday, biologist Dr. Gerald F. Takemura and psychologist Dr. Francine Holmesworth-Meyer released the findings of a groundbreaking study in the new field of “Dude-broism.” The findings of the study indicate that “Dude-broism” in males is inherited maternally and those that suffer from this condition, or “Dude-bros,” are genetically predisposed to be attracted to the pheromones released by females infected with any one of a series of sexually transmitted diseases.

The implications of the study are far reaching and shatter some of the long held traditions of “frat-boys” and “jocks” alike. According to Dr. Takemura, “Using a well-known genetic technique called linkage mapping, we scrutinized the X chromosome in a test group of ‘Dude-bros’ and a control group primarily composed of ‘geeks’ and ‘dorks.’ We did this via the application of DNA markers, tiny bits of genetic material that can distinguish between chromosomes from different people. We found that more than seven-eighths of the ‘Dude-bros’ had inherited identical DNA markers on the Xq28 region of the chromosome.”

Dr. Takemura went on to say, “This study is particularly intriguing because in 1993 my associate Dr. Dean H. Hamer associated the same Xq28 region with homosexual brothers. He found through the same process that unlike their relatives, gay brothers tend to have a genetic mark in this very same region. ‘Dude-broism’ seems to be caused by a mutation of the so called, ‘gay gene.’”

Dr. Holmesworth-Meyer, who also studied the same test groups in a controlled, double blind procedure, released findings of a slightly different nature. She said of her study, “Well, in laymen’s terms, we gave the test subjects a choice between two hamburgers of the same quality from the same fast food chain. One of the hamburgers was laced with a smell derived from the pheromones of a healthy 21-year-old woman and the second was scented with the pheromones of a 23 year-old woman with herpes. The subjects with the mutated ‘gay-gene’ chose the herpes hamburger almost exclusively.”

Test subject and “Dude-bro” John Smith took issue with Dr. Takemura’s findings saying “Dude, I know I’m not a fag, and anyone who disagrees can meet me at the gym later! I‘ll totally pound their ass, uh… I mean kick the shit out of them!” He could, however, find nothing wrong with the findings of Dr. Holmesworth-Meyers, saying only, “Sweet! Now I have an excuse for going to the strip club!

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