If there’s one thing I’ve learned about women in all of my years, it’s that there’s only a few stereotypes, and they are all easily identifiable if you know what you’re looking for. In order to save you a lot of heartache and venereal diseases, I’ve compiled them into an easy to understand list. Live by this as if it were gospel. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – The results from the most recent Gallup poll indicates that approximately ninety percent of those eligible to work in the United States are currently employed by various call centers across the country. Consequently, executives at large companies who employ thousands in call centers are finding there is no longer an active outgoing call list for their employees to call, aside from other call centers. Continue Reading

It’s been called “The Beautiful Game”. A game of skill, speed, pretty boys and fans that will kill their fellow man just because they’re wearing another team’s color. And almost nobody in the United States gives a damn. Wake up America!! This is what the rest of the world is doing! How is it that you are able to go to a four hour football game, and the most passionate you get is throwing an empty beer cup at an opposing team’s fan? I thought you were supposed to have BALLS! Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – The United States is lagging in the most recent real-life NASCAR race that is nationwide death tolls. The numbers were up after the 9/11 tragedy, in which 3000 civilians died. That, added to the over 2000 soldiers killed in the line of duty in Iraq, and then multiplied by all the poor suckers offed by obesity, cancer, heart failure, drunk driving accidents, choking on ham sandwiches, etc., was giving the US a lead in the race. Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY – Rockstar Games, the designers of the popular “Grand Theft Auto” gaming series, announced in a press release yesterday that they intend to develop a new video game based on the critically acclaimed 1988 film “Mississippi Burning”. Though the announcement comes as a bit of a shock to the gaming industry considering the racially charged themes of the film, Rockstar CEO Terry Donovan believes the new game will be welcomed with open arms by the gaming community. Continue Reading

CLEARWATER, FL – For millions of years, evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs have inhabited the planet Neptune, plotting the Earth’s destruction, unbeknownst to us. However, there is one human on the planet Earth who had the wherewithal to foresee this tragedy, and set out to make certain that the world will always be safe from evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs from the planet Neptune, and that man is… actor/lunatic, Tom Cruise! Cruise contacted me, LushForLife.com journalist James Avalon, to give me a full description of how he saved the world from evil, giant, super-intelligent, anal-retentive minotaurs from the planet Neptune. This is what Cruise told me: Continue Reading

HOLLYWOOD – Lindsay Lohan, star of… well, no one really knows, was arrested last night for performing fellatio on a man in a Los Angeles nightclub. According to authorities, Lohan has been suspected of “sucking dick and/or balls” for the past several months, not only by them, but a large amount of the American public as well (much pun intended). It wasn’t until an anonymous eyewitness called the LAPD and reported that they saw her accept money from a man, and then escort him to the women’s restroom, that they were finally able to “bust her busting nuts.” Lohan was arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct, indecent exposure (much pun intended), and prostitution. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – President Bush unveiled his new energy plan in a White House press conference, yesterday. As expected, there where no real surprises at the President’s plan to help take off much of the pressure being felt by energy companies after the hurricanes in the gulf coast created massive shutdowns in oil refining capacity. Continue Reading

HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron, director of such blow-yer-head-off testosterone flicks such as “The Terminator” and “Aliens”, decided to end his life, er, career in 1997 with the super stupid movie “Titanic”, and now that’s all he can talk about. Jesus, wasn’t that eight years ago? And what has he done since? Squat. Yet he still manages to talk about it at every fucking opportunity. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – With Hurricane Wilma’s recent battering fresh in the minds of the crucial Florida electorate and still another month to go in the 2005 hurricane season, President Bush held a joint press conference with top Republican leaders today to declare a formal “war on hurricanes.” Reading from a prepared statement, the President cited the powerful storms’ “brazen, repeated, unprovoked, and unrelenting assaults on the American homeland” as necessitating “unprecedented action against all those who would threaten the free world with hurricanes.” Continue Reading