Aries: You have Bird Flu. Sorry. Better luck next time.
Taurus: In a bizarre science experiment, you will crossbreed a horse and a wolf. You will dub this new creature with the name “worse.” It will be really fucking cool.
Gemini: November 26th, at approximately 3:30 PM, you will decide to go to the grocery store to get a gallon of milk. When you arrive at the grocery store, you will discover there is no more milk left. You will then go to another grocery store. They will have milk. You will buy the milk. You will go home and drink the milk. It will taste good and yummy. Later that night, while you are sleeping, the ghosts of dead cows will enter your room and eat your soul.
Cancer: Ricky Martin will save you from a fiery car wreck. Later, you will have a dance party. You will provide cookies and soda pop for your friends and family. Ricky Martin will sing “Livin’ La Vida Loca” on the karaoke machine. Everyone will have a swell time.
Leo: A pride of lions will escape from the local zoo, and eat your first-born child. Coincidence?
Virgo: Have you seen the movie Poltergeist? Yeah, that shit is going to happen to you.
Libra: The fate of the world depends on you. Godspeed… Godspeed…
Scorpio: With the holidays just around the corner, you will find yourself in a financial crisis. In a desperate effort to procure money for Christmas gifts, you will attempt to reinvent the fad of Flagpole Sitting. Unfortunately, this will only result in you getting arrested; thus, embarrassing yourself and loved ones when your story appears on the six o’clock news.
Sagittarius: Thanksgiving is going to suck!
Capricorn: A friendly game of checkers will turn lethal when you defeat an impressive yet ill-tempered opponent…
Aquarius: As autumn leaves wither and die, a new love blossoms. You will meet an attractive stranger in an airport lobby. You will agree to go on a date with this stranger, and continue to date them for several weeks. Everything will seem to be going perfect until you come to find out that their goal in life is to become a physical education teacher.
Pisces: Avoid flammable hair products. Know it or not, your closest friend is a pyromaniac.
