Latest Poll Suggests Call Center Jobs Reach Boiling Point

WASHINGTON – The results from the most recent Gallup poll indicates that approximately ninety percent of those eligible to work in the United States are currently employed by various call centers across the country. Consequently, executives at large companies who employ thousands in call centers are finding there is no longer an active outgoing call list for their employees to call, aside from other call centers.

The poll, conducted by the Gallup Organization, revealed that approximately seventy-five percent of the outgoing and incoming calls made and received at call centers are being conducted by other call centers. correspondent Arthur Rocks interviewed several employees from various call centers. Jean Mapplethorpe, a customer service representative at Capital One, said, “My job is to cold call individuals on my daily call list, trying to get new Capital One customers. Over half of the calls I make always end up being to other call centers, whether it be UPS, Visa, Delta, or whatever. It is so frustrating.”

Darryl Weatherford, an employee at JPMorgan Chase, said, “Every time I answer the phone, I get someone trying to sign me up for a free cruise to the Caribbean or a all-expenses paid trip to Las Vegas for a time-share pitch. I scream at them, ‘This is a call center!’ Then I ask them if they have a Chase Visa and if they would like me to raise their credit limit.”

High-ranking officials across the industry have offered to shed some light on this crippling debacle.

“It has become increasingly difficult for our employees to successfully complete their duties without interfering with other companies trying to accomplish the same thing we are,” said Bill Eskew, CEO of UPS. “The situation has gotten so out of hand, some of our outgoing callers are inadvertently calling other incoming divisions of our call centers in different cities. It’s really quiet embarrassing.”

“We were always afraid this day would come,” former JPMorgan Chase CEO Bill Harrison said to “Initially, our increase in jobs not only at Chase, but across the entire industry, was a necessity due to the massive workload. From our business’ necessity came a huge management shortcoming, committed not only by JPMorgan Chase, but by all of us.”

Official reports regarding Harrison’s resignation from his position at JPMorgan Chase said it was due to a business transition caused by the merging of JPMorgan Chase & Co. and Bank One, though many industry insiders believe the true reason for his resignation was because of the collapse of the call center industry.

Companies are dealing with the fallout in different ways. “Our initial plan was to downsize our call centers employment by ten percent every quarter for the next 18 months,” Harrison said. “Though, since our merger with Bank One, this would mean our company would lay-off approximately 25 million people by July 2007. So it seems we will be forced to deal with this issue a different way.”

UPS’s CEO Eskew, said, “Means of downsizing and reduction have been investigated exhaustively. The only answer we’ve found to this issue is to simply destroy all of our call centers with the help of the United States military. We have notified the U.S. Army of our needs and hope they can supply all the manpower and artillery needed before the end of the calendar year. Ultimate destruction is tentatively scheduled for January 16, 2006, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.”

With no solution in sight, this call center debacle will most surely go down in history as one of the most devastating and significant failures of American industry.



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