SEATTLE – Eleven years after the brutal suicide of Seattle Grunge Legend Kurt Cobain left America’s youth in shock and dismay, the “teenage angst” that paid off so well is back to haunt a new generation of celebrity children.
In a bizarre move to show the sincerity of his commitment, Cobain’s ghost has been made apparent to a few people, including Hollywood defense attorney Barry Scheck. Scheck, on Cobain’s behalf, has filed for custody of Cobain and Courtney Love’s twelve-year-old daughter, Francis Bean. The suit states that, because of her continuing drug addiction and Hollywood big-wig pilfering, Love is unfit to raise a child; especially a child raised in the lap of luxury that so often turns one into all the apparent scruff and hell that is a celebrity child.
Upon delivery of the subpoena to Love, she began to conduct bizarre séances to contact Cobain to plead her fittingness. Once he was reached, however, Love began to assault his spirit with holy water and black magic curses. Cobain has since also filed a restraining order.
Celebrity children are now popping up everywhere in support of the deceased Cobain, citing that having a ghastly ghoul of a father is much better than having a heroin-riddled whore of a mother. Moon Unit & Dweezil Zappa, Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler, and Cheryl Crane, among others, have stepped forward to voice their support for the former father of Grunge.
Some are stating that this is a marketing ploy to sell more of the redundant Nirvana boxed-set re-release, Sliver: The Best of the Box, but Love assured the press in a recent conference that such is not the case. Said Love: “Fuck all you guys for… God damn it. I just want… And Billy! Billy, I… Fluffy clouds… Huh?” Love’s press agent, a seven-foot-tall Haitian named Blaq, was available for clarification.
Francis Bean Cobain has stated in a deposition to Judge Franco Padilla that she does, indeed, wish to be raised by her father, but does have some reservations about what the kids at school might say. “They already say that I smell like Teen Spirit, and they’re going to drain me, or something. And on Tuesday, this one boy said that I had a moist vagina.”
The hearings are set to begin in December.
