HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron, director of such blow-yer-head-off testosterone flicks such as “The Terminator” and “Aliens”, decided to end his life, er, career in 1997 with the super stupid movie “Titanic”, and now that’s all he can talk about. Jesus, wasn’t that eight years ago? And what has he done since? Squat. Yet he still manages to talk about it at every fucking opportunity.
In a recent interview in USA Today, he is quoted as saying “It was a chick flick set in 1912, it was three hours long, and everybody dies in the end — how could it possibly be successful?” I ask the same question all the time… But, for some reason, it was successful, and after much hubbub and so much more ado, he has returned to the director’s seat for, well, “Terminator Four”. I got an advance copy of the screenplay, and could not be less surprised:
It’s a four-hour epic starring The Governator, with Leo DiCaprio helming the role of John Connor and Kate Winslet as a fatty damsel in distress. Apparently, John Connor has decided that since Cybernet is going to kill everyone anyhow, he will take a cruise to wherever-the-fuck. Of course, the ship collides with an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, and a T-101 is sent to repair the gaping hole. Then, since future bad guys aren’t smart enough to go back in time far enough to kill Connor’s grandmother during childbirth, they send yet another Terminator, known as T-One-to-the-Power-of-Ten. This time, it can not only shape-shift and make weapons out of its arms, it can also tabulate box office numbers in mere hours. Playing the new baddy bad, of course, is, in yet another in a string of extremely unimaginative casting decisions, Topher Grace. I won’t ruin the ending, but I suppose you already know what it is (think really hard).
I tried to get an interview with Mr. Cameron, but when he found out that I was one of eleven people to have never seen Titanic, he stopped accepting my calls and requests for interviews. Since I have obligations with LushForLife.com, however, I decided to stalk him at his Los Angeles home, and was able to piece enough audio and video clips of him molesting his housekeeping crew to blackmail him into sending me a statement:
“I, James Cameron, director of ‘Titanic’, am very proud to have directed ‘Titanic’. Since 1997, when, as you all know, I spent money out of my own deep pockets to finance the epic of epics, everyone told me that I was retarded. Well, who’s retarded now? I made ‘Titanic’. Some of my contemporaries have criticized me for not doing a damn thing since, but they are all just jealous that they did not have the foresight to make a movie about an event that happened eighty-five years before. To them I say: ‘It was there! You could have done it! But you didn’t! I did!’ On the success of ‘Titanic’, I have decided that ‘Titanic’ is the only movie I have ever made, and is the only movie I will ever make. Anything I do from now on will be related to ‘Titanic’. ‘Titanic’. ‘Titanic’. ‘Titanic’. Thank you, and ‘Titanic’.”
In response to his obvious insanity, the president of Hollywood, Steven Spielberg, is creating a fundraiser to build an exact replica of the original Titanic in which James Cameron will be able to live out his sickest fantasies aboard before it is sent to sea on a one-way trip to iceberg martyrdom.
