HOLLYWOOD – Lindsay Lohan, star of… well, no one really knows, was arrested last night for performing fellatio on a man in a Los Angeles nightclub. According to authorities, Lohan has been suspected of “sucking dick and/or balls” for the past several months, not only by them, but a large amount of the American public as well (much pun intended). It wasn’t until an anonymous eyewitness called the LAPD and reported that they saw her accept money from a man, and then escort him to the women’s restroom, that they were finally able to “bust her busting nuts.” Lohan was arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct, indecent exposure (much pun intended), and prostitution.
Even more surprising than Lohan being arrested for prostitution, even though it’s not that surprising at all, is the identity of her patron: none other than American Idol’s, Ryan Seacrest. This is not surprising because Ryan Seacrest is a celebrity, but because everyone thought he was gay. The eyewitness who called the police did not recognize Seacrest because they “don’t watch bad television”. Nevertheless, the entire world still believes that he is, in fact, gay, and that this entire scandal was nothing more than a publicity stunt arranged by the stars’ managers to dispel rumors of Seacrest being gay, and confirm Lohan as a whore, thus increasing the stars’ success in… well, whatever it is they do. We’re still not sure.
Lohan held a press conference shortly after her arrest to announce that she is now, officially, a whore. Subsequently, teenage prostitution has increased tremendously, especially within rich, suburban communities. Seacrest, however, is still highlighting his hair, getting his nails manicured, and remaining ambiguously gay.
