BALTIMORE – Doctors at Johns Hopkins University have come out with a press release, Tuesday, stating that calcium deficiency in children is causing many more problems than brittle bones, including near-sightedness, clubbed fingers, brain matter loss, and testicular cancer.
Faced with so many problems arriving from the deficiency, doctors have come up with a fun new alternative to the boring, age-old remedy of cow’s milk: LSD.
This new effort to get children to like to take their calcium was backed by a study that suggested that children live in imaginary worlds to begin with, so we may as well encourage them to live out their fantasies using the most nutrients as possible.
Bobby, a second grader at John Waters Elementary in Baltimore, was selected to help test the new children’s LSD. “I like the new calsmium [sic] and I’m gonna be biggerer [sic] and stronger. Also, time and space is interweaved like a Navajo quilt, with its most brilliant points of light touching at the beautiful parts, where the trees and the animals will know my name.”
Stacey, a fellow second grader, was also asked to test this new drug, but the side effects proved too much for her. She is currently curled up in a ball in the corner of her classroom, and when asked about the test, she could only respond in murmured, unintelligible syllables.
A third, unidentified student was asked to take the drug, but was only given a placebo. Said the student: “I see Jesus! A big, black Jesus in a purple robe and he’s calling me home! Want some Mr. Boston?” Apparently, Adam Sandler jokes are not lost amongst the young.
The new LSD will be marketed at grade schools, playgrounds, and pediatric hospitals everywhere beginning 2006.
