Clinton To Become Emperor

CLEVELAND – In the 2000 Presidential election, the race between George “Dubya” Bush and Al “Husband of Tipper” Gore was so tight that the Gallup Polling Company added outgoing President Bill Clinton’s name to the poll choices, just to spice things up a bit. The results were shocking: had Clinton been able to run for a third term, the American public overwhelmingly would have voted to keep him in power, regardless of any of the scandals that surrounded the President at the time. With the last election being so tight as well, President Bush’s popularity plummeting and the lack of current Democrat leadership, a new organization, The Imperialists of the United States of America, has been formed by Cleveland, Ohio resident Jeff Nash to make America a better place for everyone.

Mr. Nash spoke yesterday at an IUSA press conference: “We have all been let down by Mr. Bush. Does anyone remember the glory days of yesteryear? The days when there really was a chicken in every pot, and the only pot in the president wasn’t inhaled. We are tired of having a leader who says we are ‘gooder’ than everyone else. I say bring back the greatest president this country has ever had.” When asked how the IUSA intended to overcome the term limits that where set by the twenty-second amendment, Mr. Nash answered, “We do not intend to overcome the term limits, we intend to completely change the way the United States runs as a country. Obviously, democracy is not working in America. The average American is not smart enough to be given the power to make a decision on who should run the most powerful country on the planet. I propose that America become an empire. I mean, we basically already are. The system has failed in the good ol’ US of A: Our slogan should be ‘One Person, One Vote (not applicable in all states)’ or even ‘Leave No Billionaire Behind’; the average person just no longer counts to these jackals. So! We scrap the constitution, kill congress and sack the senate. Then we crown William Jefferson Clinton the first as Holy Ruler of the Empire of the United States.”

When correspondent Arthur Rocks asked Mr. Nash if he had any history of mental illness, Mr. Nash pretended not to hear the question and continued, “People often ask me about all the scandals surrounding our future Lord, and I stick to my guns; who cares about a god damn blow-job?! This man has been put here with divine right to rule,” Mr. Nash had begun to foam at the mouth and shake, but continued, “There was outrage when it was discovered that one such instance of intern release took place while the president was on an important call to a senator. Outrage? HA! Don’t you see, people, that this man was working so hard for us that he didn’t even have time to enjoy a decent bit of head?! What’s more is that the poor man had to take the first woman that was in the building! Do you think that a savior sent from God Himself would have picked a lying, fat cow like Monica Lewinsky if he hadn’t been so busy dealing with our problems?!” (Mr. Nash insisted that exclamation marks be used in conjunction with question marks.) He then went on to elaborate his plan to personally hand pick and train a full service harem for our future Emperor to pick from and another plan where Hillary would be disemboweled. The press conference was unfortunately cut short as Mr. Nash unexpectedly collapsed, much to the disappointment of a thoroughly entertained press corps.

When President Bush was asked to comment on the idea of Bill Clinton becoming Emperor, Mr. Bush looked confused and appeared not to know who Mr. Clinton was and mentioned that he had been to Cleveland on his recent Asian tour and said that the President was a very nice man, and he looked forward to future economic ties between Ohio and the US.



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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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