Bush Solves Energy Crisis In Gulf

WASHINGTON – President Bush unveiled his new energy plan in a White House press conference, yesterday. As expected, there where no real surprises at the President’s plan to help take off much of the pressure being felt by energy companies after the hurricanes in the gulf coast created massive shutdowns in oil refining capacity. The plan also outlined ways to supplement the power grid with a much needed boost after it was finally concluded that the hippies in California would never allow any more nuclear power plants to be built, proving once again that patchouli is more of a power of a motivation than progress. The plan also addressed the increasing social issue of parentless children orphaned in the wake of Katrina and Rita.

The Plan:
Bush outlined his bill Thursday ending speculation on the possibility of building an array of nuclear power plants in the Alaskan wildlife preserves by explaining the new Halliburton technology, “Human Batteries”. “Have any of y’all seen that movie the Matrix?” President Bush asked reporters at Thursday’s press conference, and added “Hehehe”. He continued: “Great movie, that. Well, you know how them machines used people as a power source? Well, we now have the capa-ma-bility [sic] to do the same thing. Great stuff, this technology. We now have thousands of poor children in New Orleans and around that whole Gulf Coast, and they need somewhere to live. My plan will see those darlin’ childrens [sic] fed, housed, and bettering their country at the same time by being corralled by Child Welfare Services and the Department of Energy who will be working together in unprecedented cooperation. They will then be taken to Texas (Don’t mess with Texas; it’s the best) and inserted into ergonomically designed luxury ‘pods’. Their ‘bio-energy’ will then be captured and sent out into the power grid.” The quotation marks have been added for every time Bush used his fingers to indicate so.

When asked how the children would be fed, President Bush responded, “Well we can’t get a whole lotta fried chicken and watermelon in Texas, so they will be fed their own excrement. But don’t worry: it will be flavored with Texas hot sauce (man, the hot sauce in Texas is the best) and they will be almost entirely unconscious, so the taste won’t matter as much. We don’t quite have the technology to give them a virtual world to live in, but we have got hold’a bunch of them Virtual Gameboys that didn’t sell too well in the ‘90s, and plan to hook ’em up to those with Mario Tennis. Had one of them back in the day, and, oh boy, was they great [sic].”

After an amazed press corps began to leave in disbelief, the President was seen playing a Virtual Gameboy, and yelled back “Check it! Look how great this is… I’m gonna get you, Mario!” Kanye West was quoted later as saying, “See? This proves that George Bush hates black people. All the children that he is planning on using are African-Americans, and everyone knows that those Virtual Gameboys give people headaches and the graphics suck. What kind of monster is he?!” Mike Myers was also asked to comment, but has begun to simply maintain a constant expression of shock every time Kanye West is mentioned.

Comments

comments

Tags:

Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]