Bush Declares ‘War On Hurricanes’, Venezuela

WASHINGTON – With Hurricane Wilma’s recent battering fresh in the minds of the crucial Florida electorate and still another month to go in the 2005 hurricane season, President Bush held a joint press conference with top Republican leaders today to declare a formal “war on hurricanes.” Reading from a prepared statement, the President cited the powerful storms’ “brazen, repeated, unprovoked, and unrelenting assaults on the American homeland” as necessitating “unprecedented action against all those who would threaten the free world with hurricanes.”

“Our war on hurricanes begins today and will last until we find, stop, and defeat the hurricane menace once and for all. We will make America safe from future attacks from unrestrained winds and driving rains. Otherwise, we will see only further repeats of Andrew, Katrina, Rita, and Wilma. These storms ended hundreds of innocent American lives, disrupted thousands more, and caused billons of dollars in damage to property. The time has come to make a stand and say, ‘we will take no more.'”

The President showed maps of the paths taken by several recent hurricane strikes in the Caribbean region which “clearly demonstrate the breeding ground of these vortexes of violence: Venezuela.” He announced that “numerous” US military task forces were already en route to seize the oil-rich South American nation and its “elaborate hurricane-launching machinery of deathly terror.”

“Venezuela has flaunted international law by constructing these machines. They have repeatedly refused requests from the United Nations to tour their weather research facilities. And now they’re turning them on. We will not stand for any more attacks on American soil by these extremists. America will be safe on my watch.”

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, known for his socialist political views and vocal criticisms of United States policy, denied the charges on his weekly TV talk show. “President Bush now accuses us of launching hurricanes at the United States? This is absurd. We have no ‘hurricane machinery.’ How can we show the UN machines that don’t exist? Venezuela is a peaceful nation. They’re just mad that our oil profits go to feed the poor rather than to line the pockets of American capitalists.”

Despite Chavez’ objections, Bush’s announcement has proved immensely popular domestically. Florida-based truck driver Roy Cobb, 56, voiced his unwavering support for “keeping them foreign bastards from tearin[g] up our coasts with their fancy weather machinery.” He added that he would enlist himself and provide his own weaponry, if necessary. “God don’t have no love for them that would change the weather. I [have] been through more hurricanes than I can count, [I] lost a car and three windows over the years; and I’m glad we got Bush, glad that someone in charge has finally got
[guts] enough to do something about it and go after them Venice [sic] canoe drivin[g] [expletive]s at home.”
Energy giant Halliburton has already received a $1.5 billion contract to convert Venezuela’s hurricane-launching machinery into oil extraction and refining infrastructure, according to company and White House insiders. The sources indicate that Halliburton is the only company capable of performing such work.

Business leaders in New York praised the War on Hurricanes as well. Peter Meyers, 38, an investment fund manager with Merrill Lynch, saw the declaration of war as “a value-add all around.” Six-month Texas crude oil futures dipped under $50 a barrel on the news, the lowest price in months.

International reaction has been mixed. Japan demurred, citing its pacifistic post-World War II constitution. Despite widespread public objection, the United Kingdom immediately volunteered the assistance of several garrisons of Royal Marines and the resources of British Petroleum. France and Germany have led continental Europe’s almost universal condemnation of the action. Unsubstantiated rumors have been circulating in New York and London that there exist still other countries, as well; their reactions, if any, remain shrouded in mystery as of press time.

Bush vowed that he would stand fast in spite of any opposition. “If you’re not with us, you’re with the hurricanes. And we will have no more hurricanes blowing through this land; only the soft, sweet winds of freedom and democracy.” He concluded the press conference by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance alongside a local third grade class.



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Hoping to create the world's first perfect FemBot, Mr. Payne achieved his Master's degrees in Artificial Intelligence and Linguistics. After the government pulled his funding, he took a position as a part time correspondent with Lush For Life. He continues to travel the globe, establishing numerous contacts for microchips and silicon enhancements on all seven continents.

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